Fine. I’ll admit it. I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. I take the phrase “fake it till you make it” come to life. Because, as I have said, I don’t know what I’m doing.
I used to have it all figured out, because when you are young the idea of a life on your own is so foreign and unrealistic. Every boy is your soulmate, every interest could be a potential career, and every decision allows you to face an array of options. However, I think as you grow up, these concepts that seemed worlds away are now sitting at your front door. You have choices to make, and they matter.
So yeah, I don’t know what I’m doing. So many choices to make and no time to process them. The world is so fast-paced and you have to grow up—you have to be an adult and do things for you. Nobody else can tell you where your heart is and nobody can tell you what you want to do forever. The things you think about and the things you do can truly determine where you end up or where you go, and you are the only one who can control it.
I try to make decisions and choices, but every day I ask myself “why did I do that?” I thought the decision through, but I’ll admit (I have a lot of admitting to do) that my mind is all over the place. My emotions run wild and my thoughts run alongside them. I don’t know what I’m doing or thinking or saying or God knows what.
But, even though I sit in my bed at night wondering what I’m doing with my life, I must say I sleep contently. I absorb my choices and thoughts and actions and deal with it. Because I did it. Because that was what I chose to do. And even though I may not have known why I did it, there had to be a reason right?
Everything happens for a reason, I believe that. Even if you are faking it and acting like you have everything together, your choices and actions happen because it was supposed to. Whether you turn down a job (or a boy) and regret it, that choice was supposed to happen. And I can blame my choices on having absolutely no idea what I’m doing, but I’m hoping fate or destiny (oh, what a pair) had something to do with it.
I don’t know what I’m doing. And I don’t think I ever will. Life has a funny way of always working out, I think.
