Have you ever realized you didn’t like something but were actually good at it? Most people realize this with some kind of sport or hobby. I realize it with something different. Being alone. I never liked it. I hated not doing something with friends, sitting in my room alone, or just sitting alone to eat. But, I came to the realization that I was good at it. I never liked doing it, but it got to a point where I gave friends and myself excuses of why I couldn’t do things so I could just stay home instead. It was weird. I didn’t like it, but I did at the same time.
The first time I realized it was my junior year of high school. I had a boyfriend, great friends, and a life I couldn’t complain about, but I didn’t want to be around any of it. I’d prefer to sit in my room with headphones in and just ignore the world. Sometimes it got to the point where I’d put my phone on the opposite side of the room so I didn’t even have contact with anyone. I had everything covered. My best friend would always ask if I was okay or if I needed anything, but I always told her no. I didn’t think there was anything wrong. But there was.
I was the girl that loved being around people. I loved always having plans or someone to be around, even if it was just to watch a movie. I was never alone. Then one day, I just didn’t want that anymore. I stopped trying to find things to do, I stopped asking people to hang out, I didn’t want any of it. It was like I hit my mid life crisis at the age of 16. I looked at everyone and everything differently. People always say that you can’t just wake up one morning and feel differently towards all these things, but you can. You most definitely can because I did. I just didn’t think it was anything out of the norm.
“You aren’t yourself”
“You look tired”
“Are you okay?”
The three main questions I’d get everyday. I’ve never been told I wasn’t myself, ever. I was always bubbly and outgoing and laughing at something stupid, but I stopped. I stopped caring. I stopped smiling. I stopped loving life. I felt like I needed more than what I was getting and the people around me needed more out of me. I thought being away from everyone was better off.
If it wasn’t for my best friend at the time, I don’t know if I would’ve ever come out of my “I want to be alone” phase. She pushed me to talk about how I felt, what I wanted to do, and everything that I’ve bottled up most of my life. She always had a good eye for when something was wrong. I never talked about my feelings, so this was something that took a lot out of me.
I’m now 20 years old and still find myself wanting to be alone, not because I like it, but because I know it’s something I can fall back on easily. To this day, I will always push people away until they can’t do it anymore. I’ve become very good at it, but it is a dangerous ability. It’s always great to be good at something, but I wouldn’t put this in my list of top abilities.
You aren’t alone in these situations and asking for help or talking to someone isn’t always as bad as it may seem. Being bubbly and smiling is a lot better than miserable and crying, trust me.
