I really have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm doing with my life, with school, with my career. I guess the problem is, I don't feel like doing much of anything. I'm not going to sugarcoat this and say "oh but it's okay to not know, because sometimes you need time to figure it out." No. I need to figure it out now. I attended one school, only to transfer to another after my first year, and then not even end up going to the second. Or will I end up going to the second? I don't know. I've switched my major 3 times now! 3 times! Psychology was a good choice, I love psych. But I can't pass the required math class. Philosophy seemed interesting. And it really is. But what am I going to do with that for the rest of my life? Now here I am as an English major. And that's probably what I should have been to begin with.
Am I meant for college? No, I'm not. I’m smart. I have a 3.8 GPA with no desire to do anything but perform my music in coffee houses and bars, and hopefully one day sell out Madison Square Garden. Am I really meant for anything educational? Probably not. Or maybe I'm just stuck right now. Yeah, that's it. I'm just stuck. But I feel like I'm going to be stuck forever. Don't tell me I won't be, because I will be. I've lost my passion for everything that has ever meant anything to me, and do you know how awful that feels? I don't even want to explain it. That's just how awful it feels. I am drowning in a sea of I-don’t-even-know-what, and I don't really feel like pulling myself back up.
When I was in high school, I had people paying to come see me perform in famous clubs in New York City. I went to college, and wow, what a mistake that was. I should have stuck to music. People forgot who I was, and now I'm back at the bottom. Now the only person I can get to come see me perform is my mom. God bless her, she hasn't missed a show in 8 years, and her support means the world to me. But I feel like I’m failing in the one area I never thought I would fail in.
I don't know why I am falling apart so badly. I had the entire world on my shoulders. I have so much to get done. So much I need to accomplish. But so little time. And my mind changes constantly... It is always going from one idea to the next, and I take on more work than I should. But I can't handle it. I think I can handle way more than I can. But I just need to sleep. I need to relax. I'm constantly working, constantly on the go. I literally have no time anymore to accomplish all I need to. I'm losing sleep and losing myself in the process. I need to get my act together. I don't want a pep talk. Don't give me a pep talk, please don't tell me I have a future. I don't want to hear that. Let me freak out a little bit. I think I need that. I’ll figure it out.
