When I was in the first grade, I got into trouble once at school. The boys were throwing book over the bookshelf and so we threw them back. All seven of us got our names moved to yellow and I cried. I don't remember why exactly I cried. Maybe it's because I wanted to be the perfect child or just that I thrived on praise so any criticism was cry-worthy.
In second grade, we read "Stone Fox." (SPOILER ALERT) The dog dies at the end. I cried as soon as I got into my mommy's arms after school. Then, we watched the movie. I was told that the ending was better. (The dog still dies but the boy gets puppies so it's "bittersweet.") And so, I cried during that as well.
At some point, not too long after second grade, I started becoming self-aware. I realized that I couldn't cry. That it was not socially acceptable. I remember crying in the fourth grade after losing the student council race, but being a little bit ashamed of it.
In fifth and sixth grade, I was bullied by people who I thought were my friends and by the "popular" girls. I learned not to show that the Indian burns and harassment during morning work bothered me and the bullying ended. I learned to dig my finger nails into the palms of my hand or any open skin. I learned to be the one comforting instead of the one being comforted. I learned to bury my emotions, my tears, my frustrations and my disappointments as far as I could dig. I learned that people don't want to see any emotion unless it's happiness or displayed in a comical way.
And then, I found my tribe. I started at a theatre high school. My emotions would not always come out of my personality, but I could express them through characters. And then, my class became a tribe of similarly-minded people all working towards the same goal. I could talk about my true feelings or I could talk nonsense. Nails were no longer forced to make indents in my skin. I no longer hid watery eyes behind a curtain of long hair.
And now, I really don't give a flying shiz. If I cry during a movie, it means it's doing it's job. If someone or something makes me cry, it's because I'm invested in them or it. If I get angry, I can show it because I don't get angry a lot so that person or thing really deserves it. And if I'm in love, I will make certain that person knows it. I am not ashamed of my emotions anymore.
Some people, even after decades of existence, still do not like showing their emotions. And that's okay. But never be afraid of displaying feelings, especially to your closest friends.
