The words stared at me through my bright phone screen as if they were looking right through me. No one had ever called me those words before.
I gave him my number because he genuinely seemed like he had pure intentions, like he wanted to include me in his hiking group and hang out as friends. Obviously, I was dead wrong. When I told him that I have a boyfriend, he gave me a blank stare and told me he didn’t care. I stopped communicating with him, but he sent me twelve texts in a week. Although I generally avoid confrontation, I politely told him that I felt uncomfortable with the situation and asked him to stop texting me. That’s when he got mad and cussed me out. Thankfully, iPhones have a great little option called “block caller.”
My boyfriend respectfully asked me not to give my phone number to strangers anymore.
Lesson learned.
My roommate offered to go beat him up.
I passed.
My friend told me that her husband in the military could “send him a text so scary that he’ll never talk to you again.”
Again, I passed.
The most interesting conversation I had about this incident, though, was with another good friend. When I explained the situation, they responded by telling me that the guy was probably disappointed, that my willingness to give him my number to go hiking with his friends meant I was interested in him, and that he had a right to be frustrated by my refusal to go on a date with him. According to this friend, my texter felt a sense of “loss” when I refused him, and that because I showed interest by giving him my phone number, I owed it to him to follow through.
This perspective might make sense at first. Even though I obviously misunderstood my interaction with this guy, he thought that I was interested in him, and, as a result, had certain expectations about what should happen afterwards. When I refused him, he cussed me out because he felt violated, rejected, and led-on.
There is one part of this logic, though, that is desperately toxic. Assuming that showing interest constitutes obligation strips women of the right to say “no” in uncomfortable situations. It perpetuates the idea that men hold a position of power in relationships and that women have certain responsibilities to fulfill.
Conversations about issues like rape culture and sexual violence typically focus on shocking stories of violation, and they should! What these conversations shouldn’t do, though, is ignore the root of these problems. The truth is that rape culture isn’t an external condition or philosophical idea that professors discuss in their dusty basements on weeknights. It’s a mentality that breeds on ignorance, feeds off gender stereotypes, and is actively perpetuated through everyday interactions. And sometimes, it doesn’t even involve sex.
Now, don’t get me wrong. What I’m not saying is that every pushy guy somehow has inclinations toward sexual violence. I was not worried about this when I blocked my rude texter. What I am saying, though, is that situations like mine directly interact with and perpetuate a culture which allows rape. There’s a fine line between persistence and manipulation.
In a society that preaches chastity to females and dominance to males, coercion is bound to happen. My girlfriends tell me stories all the time about guys who won’t take “no” for an answer, who still try to ask them out after being declined multiple times, and who usually make them feel uncomfortable. Culture tells us that these guys are either “romantics” or “pathetic,” but how often are we told that they are dangerous? That their continued attention stems from their assumption that girls somehow owe them something? Or that their refusal to accept our “no” is actually a sign that they don’t care about our ability to make decisions for ourselves?
The truth is that coercion is not cute, or romantic, or funny. In fact, it’s manipulative. It’s disrespectful. It’s wrong. We need to stop romanticizing it, because it can quickly snowball into an acceptance of a mentality that relies on obligation, and condones sexual manipulation by diminishing the importance of consent.
Regardless of whether you’re male or female, you’ve shown interest in a relationship, or you’ve been dating someone for years, you don’t owe them anything. Genuine human relationships can’t rely on guilt-tripping or manipulation. Why? Because it’s selfish. Because it strips them of their right to say “no” without having to justify their decision. Because it commodifies the other person and values them based on what they consent to instead of who they are.
In other words, your right to say “no,” doesn’t give someone else the right to question it or to try to convince you otherwise. If someone cares about you, they’ll listen to what you think, how you feel, and the last thing they should want is to make you uncomfortable. If your saying “no” makes someone upset, it’s probably because they’re thinking more about themselves than what’s best for you.
And in case you need any other convincing, check out Pentatonix’s new cover of Meghan Trainor's "No."
