Why You Shouldn't Feel Bad For Saying "No"
Start writing a post
Politics and Activism

Why You Shouldn't Feel Bad For Saying "No"

There’s a fine line between persistence and manipulation.

35
Why You Shouldn't Feel Bad For Saying "No"
LearnVest

The words stared at me through my bright phone screen as if they were looking right through me. No one had ever called me those words before.

I gave him my number because he genuinely seemed like he had pure intentions, like he wanted to include me in his hiking group and hang out as friends. Obviously, I was dead wrong. When I told him that I have a boyfriend, he gave me a blank stare and told me he didn’t care. I stopped communicating with him, but he sent me twelve texts in a week. Although I generally avoid confrontation, I politely told him that I felt uncomfortable with the situation and asked him to stop texting me. That’s when he got mad and cussed me out. Thankfully, iPhones have a great little option called “block caller.”

My boyfriend respectfully asked me not to give my phone number to strangers anymore.

Lesson learned.

My roommate offered to go beat him up.

I passed.

My friend told me that her husband in the military could “send him a text so scary that he’ll never talk to you again.”

Again, I passed.

The most interesting conversation I had about this incident, though, was with another good friend. When I explained the situation, they responded by telling me that the guy was probably disappointed, that my willingness to give him my number to go hiking with his friends meant I was interested in him, and that he had a right to be frustrated by my refusal to go on a date with him. According to this friend, my texter felt a sense of “loss” when I refused him, and that because I showed interest by giving him my phone number, I owed it to him to follow through.

This perspective might make sense at first. Even though I obviously misunderstood my interaction with this guy, he thought that I was interested in him, and, as a result, had certain expectations about what should happen afterwards. When I refused him, he cussed me out because he felt violated, rejected, and led-on.

There is one part of this logic, though, that is desperately toxic. Assuming that showing interest constitutes obligation strips women of the right to say “no” in uncomfortable situations. It perpetuates the idea that men hold a position of power in relationships and that women have certain responsibilities to fulfill.

Conversations about issues like rape culture and sexual violence typically focus on shocking stories of violation, and they should! What these conversations shouldn’t do, though, is ignore the root of these problems. The truth is that rape culture isn’t an external condition or philosophical idea that professors discuss in their dusty basements on weeknights. It’s a mentality that breeds on ignorance, feeds off gender stereotypes, and is actively perpetuated through everyday interactions. And sometimes, it doesn’t even involve sex.

Now, don’t get me wrong. What I’m not saying is that every pushy guy somehow has inclinations toward sexual violence. I was not worried about this when I blocked my rude texter. What I am saying, though, is that situations like mine directly interact with and perpetuate a culture which allows rape. There’s a fine line between persistence and manipulation.

In a society that preaches chastity to females and dominance to males, coercion is bound to happen. My girlfriends tell me stories all the time about guys who won’t take “no” for an answer, who still try to ask them out after being declined multiple times, and who usually make them feel uncomfortable. Culture tells us that these guys are either “romantics” or “pathetic,” but how often are we told that they are dangerous? That their continued attention stems from their assumption that girls somehow owe them something? Or that their refusal to accept our “no” is actually a sign that they don’t care about our ability to make decisions for ourselves?

The truth is that coercion is not cute, or romantic, or funny. In fact, it’s manipulative. It’s disrespectful. It’s wrong. We need to stop romanticizing it, because it can quickly snowball into an acceptance of a mentality that relies on obligation, and condones sexual manipulation by diminishing the importance of consent.

Regardless of whether you’re male or female, you’ve shown interest in a relationship, or you’ve been dating someone for years, you don’t owe them anything. Genuine human relationships can’t rely on guilt-tripping or manipulation. Why? Because it’s selfish. Because it strips them of their right to say “no” without having to justify their decision. Because it commodifies the other person and values them based on what they consent to instead of who they are.

In other words, your right to say “no,” doesn’t give someone else the right to question it or to try to convince you otherwise. If someone cares about you, they’ll listen to what you think, how you feel, and the last thing they should want is to make you uncomfortable. If your saying “no” makes someone upset, it’s probably because they’re thinking more about themselves than what’s best for you.

And in case you need any other convincing, check out Pentatonix’s new cover of Meghan Trainor's "No."

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
a man and a woman sitting on the beach in front of the sunset

Whether you met your new love interest online, through mutual friends, or another way entirely, you'll definitely want to know what you're getting into. I mean, really, what's the point in entering a relationship with someone if you don't know whether or not you're compatible on a very basic level?

Consider these 21 questions to ask in the talking stage when getting to know that new guy or girl you just started talking to:

Keep Reading...Show less
Lifestyle

Challah vs. Easter Bread: A Delicious Dilemma

Is there really such a difference in Challah bread or Easter Bread?

19428
loaves of challah and easter bread stacked up aside each other, an abundance of food in baskets
StableDiffusion

Ever since I could remember, it was a treat to receive Easter Bread made by my grandmother. We would only have it once a year and the wait was excruciating. Now that my grandmother has gotten older, she has stopped baking a lot of her recipes that require a lot of hand usage--her traditional Italian baking means no machines. So for the past few years, I have missed enjoying my Easter Bread.

Keep Reading...Show less
Adulting

Unlocking Lake People's Secrets: 15 Must-Knows!

There's no other place you'd rather be in the summer.

947419
Group of joyful friends sitting in a boat
Haley Harvey

The people that spend their summers at the lake are a unique group of people.

Whether you grew up going to the lake, have only recently started going, or have only been once or twice, you know it takes a certain kind of person to be a lake person. To the long-time lake people, the lake holds a special place in your heart, no matter how dirty the water may look.

Keep Reading...Show less
Student Life

Top 10 Reasons My School Rocks!

Why I Chose a Small School Over a Big University.

123926
man in black long sleeve shirt and black pants walking on white concrete pathway

I was asked so many times why I wanted to go to a small school when a big university is so much better. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure a big university is great but I absolutely love going to a small school. I know that I miss out on big sporting events and having people actually know where it is. I can't even count how many times I've been asked where it is and I know they won't know so I just say "somewhere in the middle of Wisconsin." But, I get to know most people at my school and I know my professors very well. Not to mention, being able to walk to the other side of campus in 5 minutes at a casual walking pace. I am so happy I made the decision to go to school where I did. I love my school and these are just a few reasons why.

Keep Reading...Show less
Lots of people sat on the cinema wearing 3D glasses
Pinterest

Ever wonder what your friend meant when they started babbling about you taking their stapler? Or how whenever you ask your friend for a favor they respond with "As You Wish?" Are you looking for new and creative ways to insult your friends?

Well, look no further. Here is a list of 70 of the most quotable movies of all time. Here you will find answers to your questions along with a multitude of other things such as; new insults for your friends, interesting characters, fantastic story lines, and of course quotes to log into your mind for future use.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments