Looking at food used to make me sick to my stomach. It was gross. People who ate food were gross. I was gross. So I didn’t eat. I didn’t eat, and I would just drink water day in and day out with maybe some fruit here and there. Doctors always told I was fine for my weight, but looking in the mirror I did not feel fine. Along with my bulimia, I have body dysmorphia. When I look in the mirror everything looks pudgier than it actually is.
I hated the way I looked in the mirror so I set out to change it. I wouldn’t let myself eat for as long as I could, and when I could not handle it anymore, late at night I would go into my kitchen and binge. I would start with a granola bar, then a handful of cereal, then another, then bread, cake––whatever I could find. Healthy or unhealthy, I ate it. I would eat passed when I felt full. I couldn’t stop, not after going so long without eating. Then, when I finally willed myself to stop, I would get a spoon from a drawer and go to the bathroom and throw everything up.
I became obsessed with the control bulimia gave me. I could binge and purge and binge and purge and I would weigh myself three times a day, every day, for months on end and watch the numbers drop. It was great. Except that it wasn’t.
I was so sick, my immune system crashed and I had constant colds all year long, I would get lightheaded every time I stood up from lack of nutrients in my system. It was horrible, I hated myself, but I could not stop it.
Victoria’s Secret models were my body inspiration. I was so wrapped up in wanting to have that ideal body that I didn’t see what I was doing to myself––I was wrecking my throat and compromising my immune system, among other things.
According to newportacademy.com, bulimia nervosa is an eating disorder that affects one and three teenagers in the United States. I would be lying if I said that number does not scare me. Teens need to know there are healthier options to reaching an ideal weight (such as safe dieting and exercising).
I don’t force myself to purge anymore. I eat normal amounts of healthy and unhealthy foods and I’m comfortable with myself. It was definitely an uphill battle returning to normal eating habits. Bulimia is a habit that can set in and take over your life before you realize it how deep you have sunk.
Eating disorders are not a joke––they are something to be taken seriously by doctors, parents, teens and their peers. I am lucky to have had support from friends, doctors and family to quit the binge-and-purge cycle.
If you need guidance and support for dealing with your eating disorder call the National Eating Disorder helpline at 1-800-931-2237 or go to nationaleatingdisorders.org.
