Don't come back.

There's always that slight hope, that desire for them to turn around an unlock the coffee shop door and kiss you, for them to turn the car around and run up the front steps. There's this desire for an epiphany every time someone you love, I mean really love — leaves.

Part of it is those god damn Hollywood writers faults, those stories that depict guys as romantic and realizing, that tell you that years out if someone really loves you, they'll eventually have that epiphany.

It's bullshit.

It looks a lot less like Allie and Noah and a lot more like Ross and Rachel.

Moving on from someone is a lot easier when you only have to do it once, and I wish that when I did, you had let me.

I wish you had stayed gone.

I wish you didn't come back with empty promises and missed chances. I wish you didn't pull me in close, I wish you didn't kiss me like the whole world had stopped, I wish you hadn't looked me in the eyes and told me you loved me, I wish you hadn't sat there and asked to work things out, I wish you hadn't picked up the phone, I wish you'd never texted me to say how you felt and that you never picked me up that night, when I say I wish you stayed gone,

I mean it.

I was fine without you.

I had a new boyfriend, I was healthier out from under.

But you knew that, and you didn't want me to be happy without you.

You pulled me back, you watered the roses just enough that they didn't die during the drought, but the petals still fell.

You filled me up with false hopes, the promise that things would change. You saw the way you could control my mood by your words, that when you gave love I was happy and when you took it away again, I was stranded.

I'm sorry that you needed me to be into you for your ego, I'm sorry that you needed to know you could control whether I was happy or sad, I'm sorry that me moving on was in some way damaging to your self image and I'm sorry that you felt the need to hold my hopes in your hands and drop them again, why wasn't once enough?

Is three times enough?

If you had stayed gone the first time, I'd be in a new relationship. I'd wake up every morning knowing I was important to the guy who wanted to be with me. I wouldn't wake up confused, I wouldn't wake up not understanding your mixed signals. I wouldn't be walking on eggshells.

If you hadn't pulled me back into the pool, I would've been dry by now, and as I climb up the stairs again, I hope you don't take my towel.

It's not fair to come back when you see I've moved on, it's not fair to tell me you love me when you're lonely, it's not fair to promise changes that never come, it's not fair to act like you care when it fits into your agenda and then pretend I don't exist when it doesn't.

I'm perfectly fine without you, I wish you the best with your new endeavors and a lifetime of happiness. I hope she gives you everything I never could, I hope you find in her the missing pieces of your puzzle that I could never complete, and I don't wish a moment of sadness or hostility on you or anyone else.

I just want to be able to move on without you stopping me as I go.

I don't want you to kiss me, I don't want you to hold me, I don't want to hear that you love me when all you ever do is leave.

I want to forget you ever existed. I want to not wake up and be forced to argue with you day in and day out. I want to be free from the chains you've placed on me. I don't want to write about you, I don't want to read about you. I don't want to know what you're doing or who you're with.

And since you did leave, I don't think I should feel guilty for asking you not to come back halfway.

I will be okay, I promise. I promise that someone else will love me in ways you never did. I promise that my shorts that were too short to you will be his favorite pair, I promise that the words I write will make his heart sing, I promise that he'll love every inch of my body that you wanted me to be ashamed of, I promise he'll believe in every dream I've ever had and he'll think the earth quakes when I talk. I promise you that he will love all the parts of me you wanted to change, and I promise that I will be okay with the fact that it's not you loving those pieces.

If I thought you meant it, if you'd showed me you did, if you had spent everyday proving to me when you came back that you were never going anywhere again, it would be different.

But every time you came back, it was only for a night, and as much as I didn't want those nights to end, you were gone the next morning.

So please don't be mad that I'm locking the door this time.

It's okay that you left, it really is. Trust me, I'm not lonely.

But you closed the door, and I want you to remember that when you want to come home.

But please, don't come home.

I don't live there anymore.

When it doesn't work, when you're all alone, when you miss my laugh and the way my hair smells, when you think of me, don't come back.

When it hits you for the fourth time, don't come back.

When he's giving me everything you resisted to give me, don't come back.

And when you're hurt that I don't open the door this time, remember all the times I let you in, just for you to go again.

Don't come back.