In a piece done by National Public Radio for "Talk of the Nation," host Jennifer Ludden goes into the reasons why women of all ages hate being called ma'am. While men have a small array of appropriate titles to be called by strangers in minor interactions, women have an expanse of titles with varying levels of respect implied behind them. She brings on New York Times' Natalie Algiers to discuss how women interpret titles like ma'am:
"So I think that there's a feeling like ma'am is not associated with having status although it does come from madam, from madame, but for a lot of women, it's just almost a brush-off and it also makes them feel, as one woman put it, you know, like my old maiden aunt. And she doesn't want to feel that way. You don't want to have that be a factor of every little exchange you have with a store clerk. So, I said okay, well, this is supposed to make me, as a woman, feel better and it's making me feel worse, maybe we don't need it."
Maybe we don't need it.
Listen to the clip here:
As a young woman, I more commonly get called honey and sweetie. This isn't inherently disrespectful. In fact, most people think they're being nice. But these terms often define age as well as personal relationships. So say my partner who knows my age and is involved with me calls me honey. That's fine. But when strangers call me that, especially at the professional level? That's passing into inappropriate territory.
I discussed this with my coworkers at a supermarket. Both customers and coworkers call my department coworkers and I honey or sweetie on a regular basis. For me, I hate it when customers call me honey. I'm working a profession of sorts, lifting heavy boxes, merchandising spaces and producing hundreds of cut fruit products a day. So to treat me like a "young lady," that is to treat me like you know me and recognize a sort of sweetness in my being, makes me very uncomfortable. It's especially disconcerting for male customers to call me honey because it can be attributed to my appearance. Not that every customer is being a creep by calling me honey, but the few who use honey in an offensive way ruin the use by strangers. And I can't do anything about it because it's not automatically disrespectful like "bitch" and I have a professional image to maintain for a company.
For my coworkers, it does have to do with age but on the other end of the spectrum. Older women I work with feel that when people call them honey, it's anachronistic and not representative of their status as older women. While some older men dislike being called sir by the younger generation because it points out their age, my coworkers dislike honey because it belittles the experiences they went through to get to that age.
It's about respect.
So why do we have titles to call strangers? A lot of the practice comes from common etiquette as a way to address other people in the public. Titles like ma'am come from the shortened madam and were originally used to refer to royalty. But this etiquette is wrapped up in sexism and classism. Like are you more likely to call the Queen of England ma'am or honey? What about the produce associate at your local supermarket?
I'm not saying that respect isn't necessary in the public sphere, but titles to show respect or acknowledgement of others are too wrapped up in sexist and classist connotations to be universally respectful.
And I don't want to hear about how the world is becoming too "politically correct." With a diverse world with diverse people, you can't parade around calling young and old women honey without facing the consequences. You also can't reprimand every person to call you honey. It's a learning world not up to date on its ethics code.
So for those of you reading this and willing to learn, you don't have to call women you don't know honey or ma'am. In fact, it is perfectly okay in today's standards to just call them nothing. No need to bring their gender up unless they request it. That's respect.
For making it through this article with respect, here's some Aretha Franklin for you.
