Donald Trump Has Foot Fungus

Donald Trump Has Foot Fungus

The Shocking Truth
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There’s an old saying, “The truth of a man is told through the pits of his toes,” and to this day, the fabled saying stands. I mean look at the facts, every great figure in human history had jam free toes. If there toes were a PB and J they would be a P and B without the J. From Abraham Lincoln to the late great Kernel Sanders, clean toes could be seen across the board. It’s the truth plain and simple, just compare Winston Churchill’s impeccable toe crevices to the fungus growing in-between Mussolini’s toes; which provided enough mushrooms spark the hippie movement (I’ll leave that for another story). Anyway, I believe I made my point about the importance of cleanly feet, which brings me to the purpose of this piece of fine literature. I have been unfortunate enough to see Donald Trump’s shoeless, sockless, bare-ass naked feet, and you will not believe what I have discovered folks!

It all starred on a humid day in the beginning of June. I was in the city along with my associate General Burnside, advocating for the Big Business; a business in which I am the founder, CEO, chief executive officer, and custodial manger. Outside it was a disgusting day, it was as if all the trash in the world was being cooked into a stir fry about to be severed with a sewage smoothie to a six foot tall maggot. Honestly I couldn’t handle the stench. Trump Tower was a gilded beacon in the sky that me and old Burnside ran to in a time that would qualify for the upcoming Olympics. Upon entering the building we were blasted with air that felt as if it was taken from the Canadian tundra, this was a bit bewildering but once I found myself I was in awe. Trump Tower was a zoo, and I mean that in the second most literal sense (the first most would be if it was an actual zoo). For some reason the Donald strictly employed animals. Chimpanzees in suites served as bell boys, the butlers were penguins, the bar was tended by a slightly agitated ostrich, and the concierge was several raccoons stuffed in a human sized suite. Surprisingly the building was well maintained by a janitorial staff of baboons, and looked quite professional. I made my way to the front desk, and inquired about my appointment with Mr. Trump to the raccoons. I wasn’t quite sure if they knew what I was saying for they kinda just hissed at me, and one even tried to bite Burnside. It wasn’t a big deal though I had my appointment at 1:30 and it was already 1:25 so I decided to head towards the elevator and pay the Donald a visit.

Finding Trump’s floor was quite easy, there was a button with Donald Trump’s face on it, and the button was about the size of every other button in the elevator combined. I decided to press the button, and Burnside and I were propelled towards the Donald’s layer. When we reached the floor the elevator dinged in the tune of America the Beautiful, and the doors opened to a long narrow hallway. I remember General Burnside giving me a confused look as we began to walk down the hallway which seemed to stretch for miles. While the hallway contained no decorations or windows, the entire thing was covered in a thin sheet of 24 carrot gold, it was almost unsettling. As the walk came to an end and claustrophobia began to set in, the hallway suddenly opened revealing a large hexagonal room littered with windows, bookshelves, numerous Jan Van Eyck paintings, a few bald eagle specimens, and yours truly Donald Trump. The Donald was seated in the center of the room behind a fine yet aged mahogany desk, there were two light purple velvet chairs framed in some sort of bronze material facing the Donald As we made our way towards Trump a slight musky odor filled the air, but at the time that didn't matter we had business to do.

We pulled out the comfortable velvet chairs and sat down. Upon closer inspection the Donald was a bit pudgier than expected and for an unknown reason had a slight odor similar to the knock off brand feta cheese. He opened his ghastly mouth revealing several cavities, shock my hand and hastily said, “How do ya do, Donald Trump. Make America great again”. I replied, “Well I'm John Rego, and heres my associate General Burnside, lets talk business”. Following the introduction we talked about sales marketing, exploiting the poor, and other typical things involving business endeavors. I was trying to get some business space to do business in Chicago’s Trump Tower, but the Donald wasn't cooperating. He said that he hired only animals so he would not have to pay for their labor, which in my mind was genius. However our disagreement spurred from this issue. Trump wanted to supply me with a staff of chimpanzees, yet I have always preferred the orangoutang. Orangoutangs are harder workers, more corporative, and better salesman. We were simply not seeing eye to eye. General Burnside suggested we purchase gibbons a fair compromise, yet me and the Donald were to stubborn to budge and the argument waged on. Being a man of business and not wanting to loose a potential opportunity, Trump suggested we relax in Trump Tower’s decadent sauna. In my opinion it was a bit to hot out for a visit to the sauna but I agreed, I mean how many times are you going to get to sit in a room getting steamed like a lobster with a half naked Donald Trump. It was too good to turn down. He even offered General Burnside a complimentary gorilla massage, but Burnside turned the offer down; he was close to finishing One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish, and wanted to have the book completed by the end of the trip.

While walking to the sauna we began to discuss Donald Trump’s other passion, politics. We discussed greatness, eagles. pies, hotdogs, Walmart, and other things concerning American voters. Trump showed me his new bill, which would institute a mandatory hot dog stand on every street corner in America. He said it was polling well with GOP voters, however the hoodlums that call themselves Democrats want sausage dogs at every street corner, all in all it quite the debate. After the brief discussion, we reached the sauna. An emperor penguin opened the door, and we entered the room. It was made entirely of oak, and was kept at the steamy temperature of 100 degrees. While I kept my towel around my fellas, the Donald attacked the sauna naked. Oh and it was a sight to behold. His body was as wrinkly as an elephants ass, and about as flabby as one two. His feta cheese odor was in full force, and he was surprisingly poorly groomed for a man of his status. Yet worst of all was his feet. They were an abomination, his soles were as black as an arctic winter’s sky, his foot flesh was wrinkled and scared, his toe nails looked as if they weren't clipped since the watergate scandal, but worst of all was what was growing in-between his toes. It was a forest. I’m not even exaggerating there was a whole ecosystem in-between Donald Trump’s toes. If I collected all the fungus on Donald Trump’s foot I would be able to feed the entire continent of Africa for a month. Fuck, “Make America Great Again” Trump could end world hunger. It was a sight to behold, I tried not to stare however my eyes could not resist the Donald’s flora covered toes. After what seemed to be a lifetime of staring in awe at Trump’s nasty feet, the business man finally broke the silence.

He caught me be surprise when he exclaimed, “Why the hella ah ya looking at my feet. If ya keep staring I’m gonna rip those eyes out of ya sockets and attach them to my ass…. make America great again”. I quickly moved my pupils from his revolting feet to his face now the hue of a tomato. The Donald was furious, yet so was I. I began to probe him about his foot fungus, I asked him, “How the hell do you think you’re going to be a good president with that shit between your toes. Don’t you know anything, history tells all, clean your toes or drop out of the race!”. After I said this the Donald was furious. He called the gorilla guards who escorted me and General Burnside out of the building. Burnside was a bit disgruntled for he had two words left in his book, but once I explained the situation he understood. While I may not have made the deal for the Big Business I discovered something more important. If history stands correct Donald Trump is not a man to be elected president. His revolting unkept toes are nothing that should be anywhere near the oval office. In fact, I believe they should be taken out into the wilderness far away from any human contact where they can live their fungi filled life in piece. His toes say it all, Donald Trump is not qualified to run the great nation of America. I can only imagine what vile beast resides between Hillary Clinton’s toes.

Cover Image Credit: Wegmanlevin.com

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35 Major Life Facts According To Nick Miller

"All booze is good booze, unless it's weak booze."
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Fact: If you watch "New Girl," you love Nick Miller.

You can't help it. He's an adorable, lovable mess of a man and you look forward to seeing him and his shenanigans each week. While living the infamous and incomparable life of Nick Miller, and obviously Julius Pepperwood— he has learned many valuable laws of the land. And, although Nick refuses to learn anything from anyone besides his mysterious, old Asian friend Tran, he does have a few lessons he'd like to teach us.

Here are 35 facts of life according to 'Nick Milla Nick Milla':

1. Drinking keeps you healthy.

"I'm not gonna get sick. No germ can live in a body that is 65% beer."

2. Dinosaurs never existed.

"I don't believe dinosaurs existed. I've seen the science. I don't believe it."


3. A paper bag is a bank.

"A bank is just a paper bag but with fancier walls."


4. Having sex is similar to delivering mail.

"I'm like a mailman, except instead of mail it's hot sex that I deliver."

5. Moonwalking is a foolproof way to get out of any awkward situation.

Jess (about Nick): "Now he won't even talk to me. I saw him this morning and he just panic moonwalked away from me. He does that sometimes."

6. Using a movie reference is also a great way.

Cece: "Come on, get up!"

Nick: "No, I don't dance. I'm from that town in "Footloose."

7. There's no reason to wash towels.

Nick: "I don’t wash the towel. The towel washes me. Who washes a towel?"

Schmidt: "You never wash your towel?"

Nick: "What am I gonna do? Wash the shower next? Wash a bar of soap?"

8. Exes are meant to be avoided at all costs (especially if/unless they're Caroline)

"I don't deal with exes, they're part of the past. You burn them swiftly and you give their ashes to Poseidon."

9. IKEA furniture is not as intimidating as it looks.

"I'm building you the dresser. I love this stuff. It's like high-stakes LEGOs."

10. You don't need forks if you have hands.

Jess: "That's gross. Get a fork, man."

Nick: "I got two perfectly good forks at the end of my arms!"

11. Sex has a very specific definition.


"It's not sex until you put the straw in the coconut."

12. Doors are frustrating.

"I will push if I want to push! Come on! I hate doors!"

13. All booze is good booze.

"Can I get an alcohol?"

14. ...unless it's weak booze.

"Schmidt, that is melon flavored liquor! That is 4-proof! That is safe to drink while you're pregnant!"

15. Writers are like pregnant women.

Jess: "You know what that sound is? It's the sound of an empty uterus."

Nick: "I can top that easily. I'm having a hard time with my zombie novel."

Jess: "Are you really comparing a zombie novel to my ability to create life?"

Nick: "I'm a writer, Jess. We create life."

16. All bets must be honored.

"There is something serious I have to tell you about the future. The name of my first-born child needs to be Reginald VelJohnson. I lost a bet to Schmidt."

17. Adele's voice is like a combination of Fergie and Jesus.

"Adele is amazing."

18. Beyoncé is extremely trustworthy.

"I'd trust Beyoncé with my life. We be all night."

19. Fish, on the other hand, are not.


“Absolutely not. You know I don’t trust fish! They breathe water. That's crazy!"

20. Bar mitzvahs are terrifying.

Schmidt: "It's a bar mitzvah!"

Nick: "I am NOT watching a kid get circumcised!"

21. ...so are blueberries.

Jess: "So far, Nick Miller's list of fears is sharks, tap water, real relationships..."

Nick: "And blueberries."

22. Take your time with difficult decisions. Don't be rash.


Jess: "You care about your burritos more than my children, Nick?"

Nick: "You're putting me in a tough spot!"

23. Getting into shape is not easy.

"I mean, I’m not doing squats or anything. I’m trying to eat less donuts."

24. We aren't meant to talk about our feelings.

"If we needed to talk about feelings, they would be called talkings."


25. We're all a little bit too hard on ourselves.

"The enemy is the inner me."

26. Freezing your underwear is a good way to cool off.


"Trust me, I'm wearing frozen underpants right now and I feel amazing. I'm gonna grab some old underpants and put a pair into the freezer for each of you."

27. Public nudity is normal.

"Everbody has been flashed countless times."

28. Alcohol is a cure-all.


"You treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol. You treat an inside wound with drinking alcohol."

29. Horses are aliens.

"I believe horses are from outer-space."


30. Turtles should actually be called 'shell-beavers.'

Jess: "He calls turtles 'shell-beavers."

Nick: "Well, that's what they should be called."

31. Trench coats are hot.


"This coat has clean lines and pockets that don't quit, and it has room for your hips. And, when I wear it, I feel hot to trot!"


32. Sparkles are too.

"Now, my final bit of advice, and don't get sensitive on this, but you've got to change that top it's terrible and you've got to throw sparkles on. Sparkles are in. SPARKLES ARE IN."

33. Introspection can lead to a deeper knowing of oneself.

"I'm not convinced I know how to read. I've just memorized a lot of words."


34. It's important to live in the moment.

"I know this isn't gonna end well but the middle part is gonna be awesome."


35. Drinking makes you cooler.

Jess: "Drinking to be cool, Nick? That's not a real thing."

Nick: "That's the only thing in the world I know to be true."

Cover Image Credit: Hollywood Reporter

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6 Ways To Decorate Your Dorm Or Apartment For The Holidays On A Budget

Baby, it's cold outside.

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As the holiday season approaches, it's easy to get sucked into the Pinterest vortex of holiday decorations, party favors, clothes and more. Unfortunately most of us college students don't have the money for all of this cute stuff so we have to watch for bargains or DIY it. Here are my six recommendations to get into the Christmas spirit:

1. String some festive lights in your room

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/199565827208188172/

I have Christmas lights hanging up in my room all year around because I love them so much, but you can find some cheap lights at Target or Walmart. You can get snowflake lights, lantern lights, normal Christmas lights or anything else that you want. Use command strips to hang them up, and soon it'll feel more relaxing and you'll be more in the Christmas spirit.

2. Use window clings

https://guide.alibaba.com/shop/merry-christmas-window-clings-north-pole-train-snowflakes-penguins-gingerbread-men-1-sheet-15-clings_1005699551.html

I love window clings! You stick them on from the inside (obviously) and then you can see them from the outside. I have different window clings for almost every season. If you have some old window clings that don't stick anymore, just put a little bit of water on the back of them and they'll stick like they're brand new.

3. Raid the Target dollar section

https://corporate.target.com/article/2015/11/bullseyes-playground

So, this depends on where you live and how often your local Target changes out their dollar section, but you would be surprised in what you could find there!

4. Hunt around for a mini tree (real or fake)

https://www.yourbestdigs.com/reviews/best-artificial-christmas-trees/?nabt=1&utm_referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com%2F

I used to have a fake little green Christmas tree with cute little ornaments but sadly I don't have it anymore nor do I have room for it anywhere in my room. A little Christmas tree in your room or on your dresser just makes everything a little bit more festive. I used to have my little Christmas tree on my dresser until my cat found it. Yeah, you know where that is going.

5. Make easy DIY decorations

http://findinghomefarms.com/10-minute-christmas-decorating-idea-chalk-pen-galvanized-buckets/

Pinterest is the best website for this, well actually they're known for DIY projects. Why spend $50 on one Christmas decoration when you can do a DIY and spend only $20?

6. Use Winter themed candles

http://www.bathandbodyworks.com/e/christmas-gift-guide.html

I love Bath and Body works because they always have the best sales and you can usually get something half priced or sometimes something for free! Plus everything smells so good in that store and it's so tempting to buy everything but if you come into the store with a goal, you'll leave with your goal.

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