Donald Trump has the potential to be the greatest president that America has ever seen. I’m not saying this because I’ve done extensive research on him, studied his philosophy, and faithfully listened to every word that has flown from his mouth. In fact, I’ve done none of those things. My pet salamander, Joseph Albert Robinson, is actually the one that prognosticated this vision.
In order to communicate his premonitions with me, I set him down on a Ouija board surrounded by 13 woefully scented candles and asked him a series of questions just to see if he had anything to say. I wanted to test the accuracy of my salamander's third eye, so I told him to stare idly at my hips if Rod Serling would not rise from the grave in the next five minutes. During those five minutes, he was staring at my hips like those darn liberals stare at the sun! I checked online after the allotted time to see if any legendary writers had been resurrected, and surprisingly enough the answer was no! Joseph Albert Robinson must be capable of precognition! He took a salamander stroll onto the Ouija board's "YES" and licked his eye. He was ready to go.
I continued with the questions. "Will Chumbawumba release a new album in October? Will Susan Sarandon win the gold medal for women's luge at the next winter Olympics? Will salaman-kind inherit the Earth, lay waste to the human race, and open up a chic Asian fusion restaurant on the grounds of what used to be the Magic Kingdom?" He didn't move from the spot, so I assumed the answer to all of my questions were a sincere "yes!" I decided those questions were too easy, so spiced it up with a little political questioning.
When I asked him if he thought Donald Trump was an exceptional candidate for the presidency, he did a funny little dance and took a piss -- as many amphibians do -- right there on the spot! I can only assume that this was a forthright confirmation to my inquiry, emphasizing just how Donald Trump may surpass even the greatest presidents in history! I was so blown away by this prediction, I had to have more! "What's he going to do to diminish the mountain of debt we are sitting on? How will he combat the growing terrorism market? What does he think about Matthew Lillard's role as Shaggy Rogers in Scooby-Doo? After I fired off the barrage of questions, he casually sauntered on over to the letter 'A', which can only be interpreted to mean that Mr. Trump has an A+ solution to all of these topics! WOW!!!
Listen, I'm not saying you should let a fortune-telling amphibian tell you who to vote for, but his predictions have never been wrong before! Mr. Trump may seem too good to be true as it is, but if Joseph Albert Robinson believes in his heart that he can do great things as president, then so do I! The choice is clear for me now, and I can only hope the same can be said about you. Please consider what you have learned here today the next time you think that Donald Trump is just 'some average old candidate'. He is so much more, and this proves it!
