I was 15 the first time I tried to kill myself. But try is an arbitrary word.

One day, a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, after a forced two week stay in a behavioral health facility, I finally got the help I needed in getting set up with the proper medications and even a therapist. I told my therapist I was trying to get better. Vaguely knowing me as a nerd, she responded with, “Do or do not, there is no try.” My world shifted. “Holy shit,” I thought to myself, “this woman just quoted 'Star Wars.'”

What I didn’t know at the time is that this phrase would end up keeping me alive. Maybe there was some part of me that wanted to wake up after taking a whole bottle of prescription pills. Maybe there was a part of me that wouldn’t. I could try and do something but in the grand scheme of life, any act will either be done or not.

Now, for me, there were two options- to get better, or, to not get better. When I weighed out the ability to choose one of two options, the effort seemed clear, life seemed worth it. With the eight words of a 2' 2" Jedi Master, I would tell myself that my sadness was life or death, and death was not an option. Thanks to a little green man named Yoda, I would get better.

While in the deepest trenches of my long-diagnosed yet under-cared for chronic depression, there were very few things that I could still enjoy. "Star Wars" just so happened to still give me a sense of joy, but due to my own self-loathing, I couldn’t motivate myself to watch it or listen to the soundtrack. Fuck, for years I told myself I would make my ringtone for my dad the imperial march but my disorder made me too lazy to take action on even the smallest of tasks.

It wasn’t easy, this notion of getting better, but the green man on my back somehow alleviated the weight of the worry on my shoulders. I had to be patient, for “Patience you must have, my young padawan.” It wasn’t going to happen overnight. I wasn’t going to immediately move the scissors from my bedside table, and I wouldn’t stop waking up in the middle of the night to a wet pillow for a while. But as time went by, the tears came less frequently. I would take the steps toward getting better, but doing so I needed to know how.

“In a dark place we find ourselves, and a little more knowledge lights our way.” I started to make an effort once a week to do something I enjoyed. Whether that be cooking myself a fancy potato dish, going out to the movies, or playing soccer with my friends - I forced myself to make that effort. I took my medicine every day. I was starting to get better. I was getting better at making better decisions, because there was a point in time where I didn’t know that the pain I was inflicting on myself was wrong. I didn’t understand what self-love was, and I had been trained to hate myself for years.

"You must unlearn what you have learned,” Yoda said in The Empire Strikes Back. The things I knew to be true, the things that told me that I was not worth it - that was all bullshit. I had to unlearn a past that told me that my illness was not okay. I had to unlearn the stigma that told me that I would never be happy, no matter how hard I tried to be. I had to learn to not try, to just do. (I’ve always believed that Nike and Yoda should team up, but unfortunately in the past, Yoda wouldn’t be alive to see Nike come to fruition.)

This past week, I lost an old friend. She didn’t make it out of the place where I once was. There is a darkness in addiction, a similar darkness that comes with depression and lack of self-worth. In these dark times, I have to go back and listen to another lesson that Yoda once taught me. “Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those around you who transform into the Force…” I don’t believe in heaven, or angels, or a god, but I believe in the power of the force. If a fictional green character can help me stay alive, then a lost friend can turn into the power of the force and surround me every day with her power and laughter. "Star Wars" saved my life, but it didn’t save my friend’s. I just have to keep reminding people to get better, not to just try.