Dear Mom and Dad,
The first thing I want to say to you is, I love you, and I am beyond grateful for everything you have done for me. What I’m about to express to you isn’t meant to hurt you or blame you for anything that has gone awry in my life. It is meant to show you how the chaos of your divorce had an enormous weight on the shoulders of your six children and how we are still carrying this weight after five years.
I will never forget the day I found out that you two were splitting up. Dad came into my room wanting to talk to me about something important. I must have been blind because the next words he said to me I never saw coming. Dad told me the two of you were splitting up and he was moving out. I was oblivious to the problems you two were having and I thank you for shying me away from them before the split.
What I can’t thank you for is the way you both have acted towards me and my five other siblings since the day we found out you were getting a divorce. Looking up to you two as a married couple my whole life, I thought I knew what I wanted in a relationship and what love truly was because of how you expressed this love to each other. My expectations to find this kind of relationship went from being hopeful to now believing nothing will ever last. I will never understand how two people who seemed to love each other for over 26 years could all of a sudden hate each other so much. I understand falling out of love, but I will never understand caring for someone one day and looking to hurt them on purpose the next. Hate is a strong word but there is no other word that described your relationship after splitting up.
When I think of your relationship the past five years I think of all the times I’ve cried and had panic attacks in my room because of the heartache you’ve caused the six of us. You constantly put us in the middle. I’ve asked you hundreds of times over the past five years to stop this and it still goes on. I’m the quiet one of the family. The both of you confide in me and tell me things, mostly negative things, about the other and it puts me in the most awkward position. You both expect feedback but I can’t bring myself to say anything because then I would be agreeing with all the horrible things you say about each other. You both have also shared information with me that I was not allowed or supposed to tell the other. I keep these secrets because I don’t want to be involved in the backlash of your drama. Sometimes one of you will find out one of these secrets and you know that I knew the whole time. I get shamed by you because I didn’t disclose to you what my other parent told me in confidence. It’s a constant game of tug of war with you two and I have nothing left for you to pull.
I once told you, Dad, that I didn’t want to look back on life and remember you as always talking about how much Mom aggravates. I never said this to you, Mom, but I am telling you now. I don’t want to remember you this way either. I don’t want to think about my parents when I’m 90 years-old and get an immediate feeling of overwhelming anxiety. The way things are now, that is where I’m heading. Every time I think about holidays, vacations, and birthdays I am hit with a wave of sadness. These are no longer happy times for our family. Now it’s all about what holiday are we going to spend with who and where will I spend my birthday? If I spend it at Mom’s house will Dad be allowed to come inside and vice versa. I will attest you for trying to make things work over the years and even being friends at one point. When this happened I felt like I no longer had to be stuck in the middle. I no longer needed to walk on egg shells when I talked about one of you in front of the other. Although this didn’t last long it was a nice change of pace for everyone.
To my five siblings; Thank you. We have always been there for each other in the ups and downs of our parents’ relationship. You five are the only people in this world that understands what I have gone through and how it has made me feel. I could never imagine what I would have done without you all by my side. I love you.
Mom and Dad, I know you understand why I felt the need to write this and get it off my chest. The fact that you do understand just makes you better parents than I could have hoped for. Your support is what keeps me going, but please remember that the way you treat each other is what brings me down.
