They all told me it wouldn't last, why marry someone so awful? Do i want to REALLY be with someone who hurts me FOREVER?
I was young okay, so lets not judge too quickly. He was also the father to my child. So, as some rebellious, wanting to prove-your-parents-wrong kid, I eloped at 19. Yes, I said it, 19. And it was at the court-house of ALL places. So, the BIG, fairy-tale, country, sunset, sunflowers & roses, diy decor, lots of hanging lights on a white tent, father walking me down the aisle, wedding I had dreamed of since playing barbies, washed down the drain, with each side of our families contesting this marriage.
NOBODY, and I mean, NOBODY, wanted this wedding to happen.... And I couldn't understand why, until now. Until enrolling into therapy and digging deep. Until understanding his 11 years of abuse had made me numb to feeling something of value. Until, the day finally came, almost like my tears washed away the fog that had drifted over the behavior i once allowed, and made my vision clear. And I realized MY LIFE MATTERS!
To understand why I celebrate my divorce, you have to understand the back story to it.
I met "M" when i was 15. I was always feisty, quick to put you in your place over matters i was passionate about, but also quick to love, quick to trust, QUICK TO FORGIVE.
I remember from my child-hood, what an abusive relationship looked like, having seen it all my life. But one thing I wasn't aware of, ABUSE DOESN'T JUST START OUT WITH HITTING.
That's what I truly thought, abuse starts out with your partner hitting you. And my naive self always said, "If a man ever hits me, i'm out", not truly understanding the layers of abuse it takes before it succumbs to hitting.
First, it was the typical "You don't spend enough time with me", than "You can only be with me", to "You're worthless, nobody will ever love you, you're fat", to those scary late night "im outside, so i'll know if you sneak out to be with any other guy" texts, to empty threats, to ACTUAL threats, to finally, what i thought was the only form of abuse, the act of physical violence. It only took 4 months to come to all of that. 4 life-changing months that sucked me into 11 years of broken bones, court dates, ofp's, constantly scared, my parents putting a life insurance policy on me for my daughters future, and the utter (what i thought) reality, of how unworthy of a human being i was.In my mind, I wasn't deserving of his love, attention, or time. I wasn't deserving to be a mother, I wasn't deserving to be alive.
Most of the police reports I had for our divorce hearing, I don't remember the abuse. One would think, it happened to you, you should remember it. But, some i didn't. And when i had the chance, I actually asked my therapist why that was. She told me it's almost like survivor's guilt. Like i am just coming home from war, that it happened so frequently that my mind just internalized it as a "normal part of my everyday routine". There's a sad reality check for you.
They say one day you just wake up and "know". I never believed that, because I was so entangled in his toxic love, i felt i couldn't live without him. But IT IS TRUE. I don't know why, or how it happened, but i literally woke up and told myself "I'm miserable with him, and miserable without him, so might as well be miserable without it. And miserable I was.... At least for a while. But with time came healing.
And so when people question why i celebrate a divorce here's what I say. I'm one of the "lucky" ones who got away. My story didn't end in my murder. I survived. I am healing. I am proud of my self growth, and learning to love ME again. So, yes, i will celebrate every year, on the day, that I MADE IT. I made it. i f-ing made it.
