High school is a rite of passage. Not just culturally, but mentally and emotionally as well.
At least it was for me.
It’s hard to be a 16-year-old who has normal teenage feelings trying to navigate the world. Now, imagine adding an extra layer of depression on top of that. Of course, “depression” isn’t the term I would have used at that time; instead I called it “my mom doesn’t understand me” or “I will never catch a break.” I believed it was something outside of myself that was causing my problems, and if I could only figure out what it was then I would feel better.
My reasoning: I don’t have enough money, so I will never be able to overcome the obstacles that life throws at me.
What I learned: My ability to overcome obstacles has to do with my mindset and not the amount of money I have.
Money had to be the biggest cause of stress in my life. I was constantly thinking about it, specifically about how I didn’t have enough of it. In my mind, I was at such a disadvantage because I grew up in a single mother household who often times didn’t have extra money to spare. But, the truth? I always had people on my side supporting me when I needed it. This doesn’t mean that I didn’t struggle with money, it only means that my anger completely blinded me to the reality that my situation was considerably less extreme than I believed at that time. I believed that if I could become rich overnight I would no longer feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. This is naïve thinking. Money wasn’t the weight on my shoulders, it was my distorted mindset that my depression was feeding me.
My reasoning: People are always judging me because I am more emotional than them.
What I learned: They were, because I was.
This doesn’t have to be a weakness unless you let it. There isn’t a problem with being able to tap into your emotions more easily especially if it makes you empathic. However, I was letting my emotions control me and that’s when it became a weakness. It was a simple cause and effect: if I felt sad I cried, or if I felt angry I cried. I could not help myself because my emotions dictated my reactions. I now know how hard it is to relate to someone else when they’re letting their emotions control them all the time. I realize how hard it is to be their friend when you’re scared that you may be the target of their unpredictable rush of anger. And to anyone still dealing with a strong influx of emotions, I understand because I’ve been there, but what I’ve learned since then has made me a stronger person.
My reasoning: I continue to stumble so why even try at all.
What I learned: I kept stumbling because I didn’t try.
This is definitely my biggest regret from high school. I was constantly telling myself I wasn’t smart enough, wasn’t a hard-enough worker, and that I would never come close to the capabilities of my colleagues. I was wrong, I was so wrong, but if you tell yourself something enough times YOUR truth usually manifests into THE truth. I was telling myself I wasn’t as smart as the other people in my grade and so I paved the way to fulfill that truth by not working hard enough. When I got bad grades, I was able to tell myself, “See, I knew I wasn’t capable!” If I could, I would tell myself I should speak the things I want to see. Telling myself, “because I studied, I bet I am going to ace this test” is much more productive than “I’ve basically already failed the test, so I’m not going to study at all.” I would remind myself to focus on the things that I am, and not on the things I am not. I spoke my failures into existence and then when the failures manifested I refused to take responsibility for the way in which it happened.
This is important: I mentioned earlier the layer of depression. Depression for me, with a capital D, means I woke up every morning for school sobbing, begging my mom to let me stay home. It meant that I constantly felt angry and sad, so the slightest thing would force me into a public display of emotion. It means that I refused to actually be real with anyone because I believed no one really liked me so why should I have believed they cared. This is the mindset in which I was viewing every situation. Depression is not this easy fix where if you just “think positive” or “stop worrying” you will be cured. I don’t want that to be what is taken away from this. I am reflecting on how my mindset evolved, whereas as I was able to address the depression, my mindset changed for the better. Likewise, as my mindset changed I grew healthier both mentally and emotionally. These lessons I learned come from a completely different mindset of processing, and one that I may not have been capable of understanding at that time.
This reflection is just one of many that I hope to have during my life. The ability to reflect means I have grown. It means I DO have the capability of controlling the outcome of my life.
