Sometimes I wish I wasn’t me. I wish my life was different. I wish I didn’t have to worry so much as a 19-year-old. I wish I didn’t feel so bad for people all of the time, because others overtake my thoughts. I wish I could live a life without fear. I wish I could stop comparing myself to others.
I WISH I STOPPED WANTING TO CHANGE EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE. I waste so much time and energy worrying and thinking that I’m wasting my life. I’m wasting time where I could be doing something with friends or planning an adventure. But it’s not that easy.
It’s difficult to focus on myself because I feel selfish. I feel like there are other people who need my attention and time and I put myself on the back burner.
I try my hardest with everything I do, but it’s never enough. I am never fully satisfied with myself. There is always a voice in the back of my head that says “you’re a piece of shit,” or “try harder next time.” Or better yet, “you’re a failure.”
I try to juggle everything like throws at me, but it’s just so hard. Some days I don’t feel like being a “good student” or a “hard worker.” I just want to be a teenager. Not a care in the world. Just thinking about what my friends and I are going to do this weekend. But that’s not life works.
My life isn’t like everyone else’s. We all have different upbringings, responsibilities and obligations, so why do I try to compare myself to others? No good will come from it, but I do it on a daily basis. I don’t have a bad life. I just don’t know what I want in life.
I don’t know how my life is going to work out, and that’s terrifying.
I’m not asking for a pity party, but I am asking for a life that I can fully enjoy. Full of less worrying and regret, and much more laughter and memories. But you see, this is for me to figure out, not you.
It’s my job to figure out who I am and what I want. This won’t happen overnight, but I must work on this every day. To create a better and me tomorrow. To have a better life for myself.
This is what my mind goes through every day. It goes full circle and brings me back to the same thoughts and feelings This is a brain of someone who is happy on the outside but confused on the inside. Confused about who they are and what they want to be when they “grow up.” This is the brain of an overworked and underappreciated student, friend, sister, daughter. This is the brain of someone who never feels like they’re enough.
