Depression isn't just "feeling sad." It's an overwhelming feeling that always sits on my shoulder and never seems to fully disappear. "But you have nothing to be depressed about!" That line gets me every time. The sentence seems to put me in an even more downward spiral. I'm not depressed because I want to be. If you've ever had depression, you know that it isn't something you would wish upon anyone, not even your worst enemy. Depression is not kind. Depression is not sympathetic. Depression is not your friend!
I was 14 when I had my first taste of depression. My relationship with my parents was terrible, mostly because I was a trouble child, always up to something. What hurt me the most was my disintegrating relationship with my biological mom. When the calls and texts started to lessen, I noticed the lack of effort. I felt like I had no one. I felt alone. Eventually, I felt nothing, numb. I turned to self harm, Mary Jane and the occasional Adderall. I was self-destructive.
My dad found out about the self harm when I was 16. I was put into verbal therapy. I hate therapy. I don't feel any better after talking to someone that was paid to listen to me blab about my problems and stopped therapy after a few sessions. I tried out a few different therapist but still didn't feel any better. I eventually stopped with the self harm, and haven't since.
When I was 17, I started dating a boy. It was about a month and a half before I turned 18. I insisted that I was in love with him. He put me through emotional abuse. When we fought, he would throw things across the room and at me. He would scream, yell and swear in my face. He went through my Facebook, my Snapchat friends, my text messages and my calls. I finally mustered the courage to end things in April of 2016. I was 19 at the time and I had enough.
After that, I tried anti-depressants along with therapy but didn't see much of an improvement.
I had to leave my dog behind and move back in with my parents. As they only have a two bedroom, I sleep on the couch.
In May of 2016, I met my current boyfriend. My wonderful, loving, caring boyfriend. He treats me like a queen. I am never yelled or screamed at. He trusts me and has no interest going through my phone and vice versa. We are moving to Maryland soon, and I am so excited to get a fresh start away from the empire state.
Even though things in my life are going well (decent job, license, car, boyfriend), sometimes I still feel so alone. I slump right back down into that black hole with depression vice gripping my hand. I have accepted that it probably isn't going to go away anytime soon. There have been many times where I have wanted to submit myself to the drugs and self harm again, but I power through. I know it gets better, I just don't know when. So, for now, on my shoulder will sit my unwelcome friend...
