What Depression Really Looks Like
This morning I woke up and I was still depressed. I woke up with the same pit in my stomach, the same ache in my heart, and the same sad thoughts in my mind. I felt the same pain I feel everyday. I had terrible nightmares that are really memories, as I do nearly every night, and barely got any sleep. My medications have stopped working, my yoga no longer relaxes me, and I feel hopeless.
I did not want to wake up this morning.
But I did.
I got dressed, did my hair and makeup, brushed my teeth, fed my dogs, and left for work. On the way, I stopped to get my favorite smoothie from my favorite coffee shop.
When I got to work, I started my day with my normal routine: getting ready for everyone to show up. I wiped down all of the surfaces, swept the floor, and started a pot of coffee.
My morning went by in a blur. A literal blur. I don't remember a single second of it and maybe that's okay for today.
At lunch, I went in the bathroom and cried all of my makeup off for a little over fifteen minutes. I cried in anger, sadness, and, mostly, because I felt so damned empty. I did not sob loudly into the wall. I cried in absolute silence. Then, for the remainder of my lunch, I calmly reapplied my makeup. This time I had to use extra concealer and eye drops because of all the tears.
And then I went back to work. The second half of my day went by slowly. So slowly, in fact, that I set several timers in thirty minute increments to get me through it.
When I was finally off, I walked out to my car with some coworkers. We laughed and talked about the day and went our separate ways. As soon as I couldn't see the building anymore, I burst into tears again.
I cried the whole way home.
When I opened my front door, I was excited for a second to see my dog. Animals always have that effect on people, I think. Unfortunately, though, the feeling was quickly fading as my storm cloud returned and I once again began to cry. So I walked to my bedroom, laid in my bed, got under the covers, and let it all go.
I fell asleep after about two hours of crying only to be immediately woken up by people coming home. So I got up, started dinner, and pretended to be okay for a few hours. I laughed, I talked, and I smiled till my cheeks hurt. It wasn't enough to make it go away, though. Nothing ever is. As soon as dinner was done, I returned to my room for the night.
I tried forcing myself to do my homework, at lest half of it, and then I gave up. Which made me sad and mad all at once.
I cried my heart out again.
I soon fell asleep knowing that I would dream terrible dreams and wake up and have to do everything all over again. But I was too emotionally exhausted to try to do anything about it.
The next day, I woke up and did everything all over again. And I will continue to do so. If not for myself, for the those I love.
Depression is different for everyone. It looks different on every single person.
And, the truth is, depression doesn't discriminate. It does not care if you're fragile, healthy, smart, beautiful... it doesn't care. It chooses who it latches on to, and it doesn't easily release.
But you're stronger. I'm stronger. And we can fight this. Always believe that you have something to live for and you'll never lose.
Love,
B.
