Depression is a scary topic. Most people choose to avoid talking about it, but it is something we should really be talking about. Depression is more than just sadness. It's a disease. It's something that can't be turned off like a light switch. This is what I want everyone to know about depression --- please keep your mind open.
What is depression? The National Institute of Depression defines depression as, "A mood disorder causing a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest." So what does that really mean? You're sad and easily bored with things? What doctors' definition of depression comes nowhere close to what it is actually like to have depression.
I knew I was different right from the start. Even in elementary school, being 6 or 7 and things were not clicking together. For years, I put on the act that everything was okay. I put an unbreakable attitude up, but in reality, I just wanted someone to save me, to turn it off. What makes the present different than the past is that I'm not afraid to talk about depression anymore. I've finally accepted what I have,
Depression Is:
- Depression is laying in your bed, hoping you will fall asleep before you fall apart.
- Depression is living in a body that wants to live, but having a mind that wants to die.
- "Asking someone, "Why are you depressed? Look at the great life you have," is like telling someone who has asthma, "Why can't you breathe when there's all this air?"
- Depression is being scared all of the time.
- Depression is having the fear that people will eventually see you the same way you see yourself.
- Depression is feeling every thing so deeply.
-Having depression is physically and mentally exhausting. No matter how many hours of sleep you get, they will never count. You will be exhausted because your mind is unable to shut off, even when you sleep.
Those who have depression, including me, will talk about how we can hardly feel anything at all. Some days it's like walking through a tunnel and never seeing the light . After a while, we forget what it is like to feel or even how to respond to basic situations. Countless times, I couldn't even be happy or friendly to the people I loved most. You have no idea how bad that feels. You want to feel, but you just can't.
When you have depression, it's like you're living in a dream. Nothing feels real; nothing makes sense. It feels like you're sleepwalking. You see people, but you don't hear them. It's like everything is slow motion. Every day is like drowning. After a certain point, you stop struggling, waiting for everything to consume you. You watch the life around you as you fill up with water because "I don't belong here anymore."
Countless times, we'll question our existence. Asking ourselves, Do we really belong here? I have been there plenty of times. I'll admit it. I've stood in my room, debating whether to end it now or tough it out it. Standing with pills or a knife in hand. But ending my life would have meant I would have been passing my pain onto someone else. Not everyone is able to talk themselves out of it; remember that.
Everyone sees the fake act that you put on, asking if you're being real. You smile, you laugh, you hug, you fit in, but your true friends will see the sadness, the withdrawnness, the darkness. When you have depression, you get good act faking emotions. You almost have no choice. Every time I leave the house for something, I make sure to take my fake smile with me.
Depression affects our friendships. It can make them stronger, or it can make them worse. I have had friends that I have had for years and trusted them, but when I finally admitted I had depression, they ran. I get that it is hard to be friends with someone who is depressed, but at least try.
Depression is so much more than the sadness. Most of the time, it's not the sadness that consumes us; it's not feeling anything at all and letting it drown you. But, I choose to fight. I got help: I take medication for it, and I am better than I ever was before. I go through bad spells here and there, but I remind myself that's not forever. I am more than depression. I'm me. I was a three-sport athlete in high school. I'm happy. I have friends. I have a future. I am successful. I get good grades. I'm full of life. I can keep relationships. I have fun. I'm more than depression. I'm more than a label. I'm just like you, so please don't judge me (us) when I can't explain my life to you. Don't run away. Understand.
