This is something I've wanted to say and have always wanted to tell people for so long. It’s scary and I haven't always wanted people to know because I didn’t want people to look at me differently or treat me like I’m someone else who they can't have a normal conversation with. Over time, I've realized that I need to say it, I need to be honest, and I need to be open. The scariest things I write always seem to be the most freeing. I wish I was better at expressing my thoughts, at saying the things everyone is thinking and writing the words that everyone desperately needs to hear. I don’t know if I’ll be able to find the right words, but I know I need to try. I'm one person out of millions who experience it every day, but maybe someone out there in the world will see this and think, "Wow, I'm not the only one?" And if that is the case, then putting myself out there, and being so scared to let everyone know the truth about who I am and what I deal with, will all be worth it. So, even though I’m sitting here nervous as I write this, I’ll be brave, and I'll say the word that everyone is so afraid of, in hopes that this will help at least one person out there. So, here it goes.

Depression.

One 10 letter word that everyone is so afraid of. No one ever knows how to react when someone talks about it because they definitely don't want to be the one with the big bad disease. It’s just easier to ignore it, am I right? Well, I've tried. For years, I tried to ignore it. Why? Well, because it sucks knowing that your mind doesn't work the same "happy" way everyone else's does. I'm someone who tells people time and time again, to embrace their true selves, but I've only tried to run away from mine.

Honestly, I secretly used to hate saying that I have depression. I felt like everyone was going to tell me I'm just having a rough day and need to cheer up or that they'd think I'm just looking for attention. We're all so afraid of people opening up about who they truly are and what they go through every day that we make them face these struggles internally on their own.

"Depression is like living in a body that fights to survive, with a mind that's trying to die." -- Danny Baker

I can be open and honest and say that I haven't always wanted to live. I have had more days than not where I thought things would be better off without me. But within the past eight years of living with my depression, I've also had points in my life where I enjoyed my lie and couldn't wait for the next day to come. Sometimes I just need to remind myself that I need to take a deep breath because hopefully one of those seasons is coming back to my life soon. But like I said before, this is something I’ve been dealing with for as long as I can remember. Some of my clearest memories stem from it.

The first time I felt like I didn't belong was when I was 14. I remember hearing that one of my closest friends committed suicide. After months of grieving, it hit me that maybe that could also be my way out of all of this hurt and heartache. I thought about my family and how they told me they loved me, but 14-year-old me wasn't convinced that I was doing them any good. I was 14 the first time I felt like this world would be better without me in it. I had no idea anyone else felt that way. I heard the I love you's, but I didn't feel them. Not because they weren't truly being meant when they were said, but because in my heart and my mind, I did not love myself, so I doubted everyone else's love for me.

I've looked at people and said I’ve never wanted to die, that’s a lie I guess. And I used to ask God if he could take me instead of someone else. I felt like some kid with cancer who was fighting so hard for their life that they loved so much should take my place instead. I was OK with trading, that seemed fairer to me that way. But he never took my deal.

Depression isn’t just an internal battle, at least not for me. I’ve had to fight my relationships for what I needed and what they needed. It’s hard for me to love people and do what they need when sometimes I just want to be left alone. Its hard for them to understand that. They can’t read my mind, and sometimes I can't express to them what exactly is going on in my mind. I scream at them to go away when I actually just want them to stay more than anything. How can I get mad at them for leaving when I told them to, or even when I would've left if I were them? It's hard to please someone who is so confused and who doesn't have a clear view on life or what they want in life. I remember one time I finally told my boyfriend I had when I was 19. We rarely fought and when we did fight it was always my fault. I think I’d start things because I wanted to feel something, I’m not really sure. Anyways, I finally said it out loud. The events leading up to it were full of me trying to push him away and him desperately trying to figure out what was wrong. But finally, one night as we were texting back and forth, I finally said it, "I don't want to be here anymore." I still remember his reply. He told me I was a coward, and he was so disappointed in me. I felt my heart break. I so badly just wanted him to comfort me and promise me everything would be OK. But he didn't. I guess I wasn't trying to push him away, I just wanted him to give me a reason not to let go. But that only gave him a reason to push me away because I let him down. I wanted words of comfort, but all I got was complete silence, and that was probably one of the loudest responses I've ever gotten. It doesn't matter that we didn't make it, it doesn't matter how much has happened since then. Our little immature love saved me that night because I knew that me ending everything for myself, would only hurt him. I doubt he remembers that night at all, but I do know he'll never know how much that night meant to me at all. We don’t talk anymore despite our families still being friends and despite our brothers still being best friends, but I’m thankful I had him that night. He saved me from myself.

Depression is so much more than just being sad. It's more than some sad girl who just got her heart broken, posting sad song lyrics as her status on Facebook. You can feel shattered, broken to the point where the emotional pain turns physical. Heartache isn't some word a profound author came up with for a fake feeling. Its real, it's very very real. I've had my feelings cause me so much pain to the point that I can feel a rock hard hole in my chest, each and every time I inhale and exhale. I've cried hard enough to make myself throw up, often about no particular things. I've cried to the point where no sound comes out and I'm out of tears to even cry any longer. And then, sometimes, there's just nothing. Sometimes I just feel numb. I feel nothing at all, nothing good, nothing bad. Sometimes I feel like I'm just existing. I've felt hollow, I've felt empty, I've felt completely blank, nothing hurts, yet nothing feels great. I'm just there. Sometimes it doesn't matter how great my life really is, I just don't feel it.

Sometimes I feel it all. And sometimes, that's the weirdest feeling of them all.

Having depression means a lot of faking it. Telling people you're happy to be there even if you're really not. Telling people you're doing great even if you're not. Pretending to be having a good day even though to you it feels like your worlds burning to the ground. But there are also periods of intense joy and overwhelming happiness. I don't walk around feeling sad or angry or empty all the time. If you know me personally, then you know that I often do have a genuine smile. I'm not always pretending, really, I promise I'm not. I've been incredibly, face hurting- happy; so happy that my chest feels like it's going to explode. People aren't just good with words when they try to describe that. It honestly feels like there's so much joy in my heart that my face is going to bruise from smiling so much. I just haven't felt that in a while.

Before you treat me differently, think of me as someone completely different from who you knew or think you need to walk on eggshells around; know that depression has made me who I am. I had it before you read this post and by the time you make it to the end of this article, I’ll still have depression. It’s a part of me that I wish I didn’t always have to deal with. But, it's also a part of me who's made me realize just how strong I am. Nothing and no one can take that away from me. Nothing you could ever say or do to me could be worse than what my own mind has done to me before. If I can pull myself back together and get out of bed more days then not, then I should be proud of myself. I know I’m strong because I’m still here. I've learned the important things in life. I've learned that without struggles, life doesn't mean anything. I've learned that without a broken heart, you'll never know what it feels like to be loved. I've learned that without being hurt, you'll never know what its like to be on top of the world.

If you learn nothing new about me from this, then just always remember that this is not my fault.This is not the life I've chosen for myself, this is not the hand of cards that I initially wanted to play with. But this is who I am.That’s something that has taken me a very long time to accept.I now look at my depression as a blessing. As much as I hate it and know that it's a mental illness, it's also given me the lenses to look at life in a whole new light. So to anyone else who is dealing with depression, you’re not alone, I promise.

At the beginning of this article, I talked about how writing can sometimes be freeing for me. It most definitely is. Depression has controlled me and my life for as long as I can remember. Sometimes my days are horrible and unbearable, and sometimes I’m alright, but I’m no longer afraid of saying it, I'm no longer ashamed of being who I am and being honest about what I struggle with. Things can only control you if you let them.

So hello to everyone reading this, I have depression. I’m still the same person I was before I wrote this.

If you take anything from this, then let it be to be kind to everyone you meet. I'm sure that not everyone I know is surprised by reading this, although some of you may be shocked at the details. Be kind and always be understanding. You will never know every single thing that someone is battling inside of themselves. Depression isn't a choice. It’s not my fault and it’s not yours. It's just something that you and I can't control because trust me, I've tried.