Hey, guys today I want to talk to you about my depression and anxiety, fitting in and changing...
Depression and anxiety...
No one believes me. Well, not many do. People think that I make up my depression and anxiety but, if you have it, you know- that if you didn't you wouldn't make it up. I can see one thing and go from being happy to feeling like I have no one or nothing to live for. It comes and goes in waves, crashing around me. The anxiety is more frequent nowadays. It's like standing in a warm ocean and then all of a sudden it turns hot, like blistering hot. Your heart begins to pound in your chest and you began to sweat and you can't think and dry your hands off repeatedly and try to grasp for air, but... you can't. The depression, on the other hand, is totally opposite. It's like playing happily in the freezing cold snow. Kicking it around- getting it in your shoes, laying in it- getting it in your hair and eating it. At first, it just melts in your mouth, only somewhat sad, but the more you keep eating it, the more your mouth freezes. When your mouth freezes the ice starts to freeze your throat- closing you off even more. Then it hits your stomach. When the sadness reaches your stomach your whole body freezes. You can do nothing but sit through the pain. Starring blank into the void. I can spend hours just looking at the wall when I'm depressed, but I'm not doing anything, I'm thinking. Thinking things as such as: what did I do wrong, did I make the right decision, why don't they like me, do they hate me, will things ever be different, how can I change, should I change, and so on and so on. I'd like to believe others out there feel this exact way. I'd like to believe that others stand in that ocean or play in that snow. That we are all connected through it.
Fitting in...
I often feel as in I don't fit in. It feels as if I'm always just on the edge of being in but not quite there. I don't want to fit in necessarily just belong. Have a friend family. It sometimes feels as though I'm a puzzle piece from a different time and someone threw the rest of my puzzle away and I just keep trying to attach to other puzzles and sometimes I don't fit and sometimes I do but my picture is different so still don't fit.
Change...
I never really felt like I change. I've always known what I wanted out of life and I always felt like I was going toward that path. What I noticed is when the people around me change. That's hard for me because that's happening around me, but not to me and I have to grow with it or around it. Sometimes growing and changing are separate things like a flower. A flower grows but doesn't change into something else, it's still a flower. Sometimes it's hard to see people you love change, but hopefully, you can grow with it and everything will fall into place.
