I underestimated it. I thought after years of therapy, staring myself in the mirror day in and day out telling myself lies I did not truly believe, and much more, I thought it was over. I thought that the changes that came with entering college or entering a new chapter in my life would be the very thing that would conquer my depression. As a freshman in college, I met new people, escaped a small town where rumors and expectations seemed to be the root of my depression, partied, felt free and alive to finally find the girl I have been looking for all during high school. Following freshmen year I never felt better about myself, my life and the people in it. I had a new routine, new friends, and really just a new life. It was almost as if I reinvented myself, therefore, saying bye to depression and anxiety and hello to a whole new world overnight.

Well just when I thought life was beginning to be sunshine and rainbows and my depression had vanished, many problems arose in my life that triggered my depression. That word, "triggered" leaves me wondering all the time. I never imagined my depression having an on and off switch. I never pictured my depression to be this thing that at any given moment in time could take complete and utter control over my life, my actions, my behaviors, and my thoughts. I was very wrong.

Approaching my second year of college I was surrounded with fun friends, a busy class schedule, work, and so many other responsibilities that I feel as if I didn't have time to feel. I didn't have time to do anything but laugh and joke around. I didn't have time to cry and vent to people in my life. I didn't have time to go back to therapy to continue dealing with this monster that still sat inside me silently waiting to explode I just did not have time to be depressed so I ignored it.

This being the most unhealthy thing I have ever done for myself has now came back and bit me in the behind. A whole year, from sophomore to junior year just being the girl who is always smiling and laughing. The girl who drinks a lot and parties often (to my friends reading this, now you know why.) I was covering up my emotions with anything I could. I masked my depression with anything that ranged from a smile to alcohol. I did not conquer my depression as I made myself believe and even worse, made others believe. I masked it.

The problem with trying to mask such a massive monster is it comes out of hiding without your permission sooner or later. It comes out of hiding when it sees an opportunity to make you feel bad about yourself and destroys you from the inside out. So, here I am, a junior in college, sending text messages to all my friends saying I am going MIA for a while. Posting on social media that I was getting rid of it for a hot second. essentially isolating myself because my depression told me too. My friends? All of them are worried, freaking out, trying to help, sending me encouraging messages because their friend, the friend that they thought would never stop smiling is now not answering her phone. She is no longer posting and sending funny snapchats. She isn't going out on Tuesday night to have a few drinks. They are worried because they don't know this girl and have never seen her. My boyfriend, bless his heart, saw the worst of it. Watched as while we were arguing I gave up. I began to say things I did not mean. He watched as I began to pack my things from his apartment and isolate myself from him because my depression told me during that argument that he did not love me.

In fact, my depression told me in that moment and every so often these days whispers to me that no one loves me.

Back to that word "triggered." An argument with my boyfriend unleashed or "triggered" a monster that I haven't seen in years. I wonder and ask myself how do people that have and struggle with depression conquer it? Do they conquer it? Or do they mask the monster like I did. Do they embrace it? Do they treat it medically? Is their depression similar to mine, where it comes in waves and then suddenly all at once. Is it triggered by certain things such as an argument with their significant other?

Depression, I have a ton of questions for you. But, my main question is, why me?