Depression: A World Without Color

Depression: A World Without Color

How Depression Really Feels.

“Depression is like being blind and constantly told how beautiful color is”

As a person living in a black and white world, I am here to tell you why I don’t see it like that. I wouldn’t call depression a blindness to color because that means I’ve never seen it. The problem is that I have seen color; I remember it. It just is no longer there. Way too often I see the world as a colorless obis. It isn’t even black and white anymore--it turns grey. Black and white would imply that my world can be differentiated between large and small things. But the reality is the small things begin to bleed into the big.The world is just shades of grey. The color being leached out, taking all energy and motivation with it.

I don’t fight a war as some call it, because the truth is that I just don’t have the energy. When someone asks if I’m fine, and I am forced to smile and say “Yeah, I’m just tired”, it is not a lie. Lying would be saying ‘I didn’t get enough sleep’ or ‘Yeah I just have a lot of homework’, but the reality is that I got plenty of sleep, and I probably took about an hour to poorly write in some answers to my homework. But that doesn’t change the fact that I am tired. Too tired to hang out tonight, too tired to go to that club I signed up for back in the time of color, too tired to care. My world matching the colored grey of my eyes.

I went through my life seeing the vibrancy of everything from the smallest ladybug to the brightest sky and then my world went dark. It didn’t happen all at once like the lights going out during a storm, it was more gradual than that. I watched the saturation slowly drain from my life. Going from colors to black and white and finally to grey. I didn’t notice the loss of my colors until I no longer had the motivation, the energy to care about it.

My friends slowly became my acquaintances and my acquaintances became someone whose name I couldn’t be bothered to remember. I began to think that they were better off without me anyway. I would just bother them. They’d have left eventually. They’d have realized I really didn’t deserve them.

Then, every once in awhile, there are small periods of color. They may not be bright colors, but they are there. I get excited to go to practice for that sport I’ve begun resenting. I finish the book I started months ago. I call my friends.

As fast as it appears though, the color vanishes.

I go back to pretending that I don’t miss those colors. I go back to not bothering to fight. My energy drains away and takes all of my motivation with it. I don’t admit that there is a problem.

Until the next time the color comes back--this time it’s accompanied by a person. A person who seems to understand. Their eyes a beautiful splash of color. For the first time, I see color as vibrant as the ones I saw as a kid. Such a beautiful contrast to the grays of my new world. No matter how bad or grey the world seemed to get, their eyes still hold a color so bright it’s blinding. And I remember what it’s like to want that color. I remember what color feels like. And for some reason, they see something in me that makes me worth keeping around. I live my life motivated by that color.

Soon, almost without me realizing it, color seeps back into the fabric of my life. One moment I’m laughing--caught up in this person--then the next moment I see the color faintly in everything around me. I look forward to seeing them the next day, no longer for their color, because that’s all around me, but for the love that has grown into that color. And even after that person with the colored eyes leaves I still see my colors. I find people just as colorful. Just as understanding.

Then, I’m drawn to someone new. Their eyes are pale, almost grey, but shine with a passion that can’t be hid. Soon the love that grew for the person with the colorful eyes is overtaken by the love for the person so full of passion. A true friend. I still have colorless days. Days where the color fades away. And somehow the person so full of passion is so gentle when those days come around. One day we take a photo- a harmless photo where I look at the camera and they look into my eyes. And that’s when I see it. Their eyes so full of passion have turned miraculously bright, the passion not forgotten just now so colorful, staring into mine. And mine are just as vibrantly colorful.
Cover Image Credit: Katie Schaffer

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30 Things I'd Rather Be Than 'Pretty'

Because "pretty" is so overrated.

Nowadays, we put so much emphasis on our looks. We focus so much on the outside that we forget to really focus on what matters. I was inspired by a list that I found online of "Things I Would Rather Be Called Instead Of Pretty," so I made my own version. Here is a list of things that I would rather be than "pretty."

1. Captivating

I want one glance at me to completely steal your breath away.

2. Magnetic

I want people to feel drawn to me. I want something to be different about me that people recognize at first glance.

3. Raw

I want to be real. Vulnerable. Completely, genuinely myself.

4. Intoxicating

..and I want you addicted.

5. Humble

I want to recognize my abilities, but not be boastful or proud.

6. Exemplary

I want to stand out.

7. Loyal

I want to pride myself on sticking out the storm.

8. Fascinating

I want you to be hanging on every word I say.

9. Empathetic

I want to be able to feel your pain, so that I can help you heal.

10. Vivacious

I want to be the life of the party.

11. Reckless

I want to be crazy. Thrilling. Unpredictable. I want to keep you guessing, keep your heart pounding, and your blood rushing.

12. Philanthropic

I want to give.

13. Philosophical

I want to ask the tough questions that get you thinking about the purpose of our beating hearts.

14. Loving

When my name is spoken, I want my tenderness to come to mind.

15. Quaintrelle

I want my passion to ooze out of me.

16. Belesprit

I want to be quick. Witty. Always on my toes.

17. Conscientious

I want to always be thinking of others.

18. Passionate

...and I want people to know what my passions are.

19. Alluring

I want to be a woman who draws people in.

20. Kind

Simply put, I want to be pleasant and kind.

21. Selcouth

Even if you've known me your whole life, I want strange, yet marvelous. Rare and wondrous.

22. Pierian

From the way I move to the way I speak, I want to be poetic.

23. Esoteric

Do not mistake this. I do not want to be misunderstood. But rather I'd like to keep my circle small and close. I don't want to be an average, everyday person.

24. Authentic

I don't want anyone to ever question whether I am being genuine or telling the truth.

25. Novaturient

..about my own life. I never want to settle for good enough. Instead I always want to seek to make a positive change.

26. Observant

I want to take all of life in.

27. Peart

I want to be honestly in good spirits at all times.

28. Romantic

Sure, I want to be a little old school in this sense.

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I want to give you the same feeling that you get in paradise.

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And I never want to stop searching for answers.
Cover Image Credit: Favim

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My Love-Hate Relationship with Starbucks

This is my oh so wonderful experience at Starbucks during the week of midterms.


When I usually go to Starbucks, I typically get the same type of drinks: carmel macchiato, chai tea latte, chestnut praline chai tea latte (which sadly is only a holiday drink), or a shaken black tea lemonade with light ice. However, sometimes a person just gets bored drinking the same three drinks over and over, so I thought, "Hey! lets get out of our comfort zone here pal and try something new." So I did I walked my tired stressed out self to Starbucks 10 minutes before my next class and ordered a tall cinnamon shortbread latte, I mean the description and other peoples comments about it made it sound super good.

As I was waiting for my drink I noticed that one of the baristas was having some issues with some type of syrup, but I thought that they would refill it and then add what they need, and that one probably wasn't even mine. When they did that, I saw them get a new jug of syrup and I went back onto my phone and to try and plan how I was going to get through this midterms week.

Quick info about midterms: everyone is dead, and everyone is stressed. Us college students literally live off of caffeine during midterms week. If you're lucky like me you are at school from 8 a.m. until 6 p.m., so the caffeine is really needed.

Now soon after I saw the new jug come, my name was called. I grabbed my drink and walked like the walking zombie I was to my next class. I went in for my first drink I was so excited to have this sweet taste of vanilla, cinnamon and coffee...but what I got was the opposite. It literally tasted like a very burnt somewhat coffee and cinnamon edible without the marijuana affects, or for the non-edible people, a very bad tasting cookie that was missing all the sugar. I was not a happy camper one bit, but I was going to drink it anyway because I payed $4 for this coffee. I struggled drinking this during my writing class because it tasted terrible, but then out of no where I got this hit of sweet — I was drinking the sweet vanilla and the sweet cinnamon part of my drink minus the majority of the coffee since I was 3/4 done with the drink. I was seriously crying on the inside because I didn't get to enjoy this drink the way I needed.

Then the realization hit me: 1. They probably didn't add in the missing parts of the syrup once it got refilled since they suddenly got busy. 2. They did not stir that drink one bit because all the syrup was literally at the bottom of the cup. If they did these, then the problem wouldn't have happened.

This is not the first time this has happened to me having all the syrup at the bottom of the cup at a Starbucks. Its not like I am able to swish it around myself because it is full to the top and I don't want hot coffee poured or splashed on my hand. Also, most people are on-the-go while they are drinking their coffee or doing other things. I have only had this issue at Starbucks and never at any other place have I had this issue like Anthem Coffee.

So can Starbucks just agree to always mix their drinks? So that the zombie college kids during midterms have good coffee to keep them alive?

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