Depression Comes In Many Forms, And Mine Made Me A 'Bitch'

Popular Right Now

To The Person Who Feels Suicidal But Doesn't Want To Die

Suicidal thoughts are not black and white.

Everyone assumes that if you have suicidal thoughts that means you want to die.

Suicidal thoughts are thought of in such black and white terms. Either you have suicidal thoughts and you want to die, or you don't have suicidal thoughts and you want to live. What most people don't understand is there are some stuck in the gray area of those two statements, I for one am one of them.

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was a kid.

My first recollection of it was when I came home after school one day and got in trouble; and while I was just sitting in the dining room I kept thinking, “I wonder what it would be like to take a knife from the kitchen and just shove it into my stomach." I didn't want to die, or even hurt myself for that matter. But those thoughts haven't stopped since.

I've thought about going into the bathroom and taking every single pill I could find and just drifting to sleep and never waking back up, I've thought about hurting myself to take the pain away, just a few days ago on my way to work I thought about driving my car straight into a tree. But I didn't. Why? Because even though that urge was so strong, I didn't want to die. I still don't, I don't want my life to end.

I don't think I've ever told anyone about these feelings. I don't want others to worry because the first thing anyone thinks when you tell them you have thoughts about hurting or killing yourself is that you're absolutely going to do it and they begin to panic. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts, but I don't want to die.

It's a confusing feeling, it's a scary feeling.

When the depression takes over you feel like you aren't in control. It's like you're drowning.

Every bad memory, every single thing that hurt you, every bad thing you've ever done comes back and grabs you by the ankle and drags you back under the water just as you're about the reach the surface. It's suffocating and not being able to do anything about it.

The hardest part is you never know when these thoughts are going to come. Some days you're just so happy and can't believe how good your life is, and the very next day you could be alone in a dark room unable to see because of the tears welling up in your eyes and thinking you'd be better off dead. You feel alone, you feel like a burden to everyone around you, you feel like the world would be better off without you. I wish it was something I could just turn off but I can't, no matter how hard I try.

These feelings come in waves.

It feels like you're swimming and the sun is shining and you're having a great time, until a wave comes and sucks you under into the darkness of the water. No matter how hard you try to reach the surface again a new wave comes and hits you back under again, and again, and again.

And then it just stops.

But you never know when the next wave is going to come. You never know when you're going to be sucked back under.

I always wondered if I was the only one like this.

It didn't make any sense to me, how did I think about suicide so often but not want to die? But I was thinking about it in black and white, I thought I wasn't allowed to have those feelings since I wasn't going to act on them. But then I read articles much like this one and I realized I'm not the only one. Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, and my feelings are valid.

To everyone who feels this way, you aren't alone.

I thought I was for the longest time, I thought I was the only one who felt this way and I didn't understand how I could feel this way. But please, I implore you to talk to someone, anyone, about the way you're feeling; whether it be a family member, significant other, a friend, a therapist.

My biggest mistake all these years was never telling anyone how I feel in fear that they would either brush me off because “who could be suicidal but not want to die," or panic and try to commit me to a hospital or something. Writing this article has been the greatest feeling of relief I've felt in a long time, talking about it helps. I know it's scary to tell people how you're feeling, but you're not alone and you don't have to go through this alone.

Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, your feelings are valid, and there are people here for you, you are not alone.

If you're thinking about hurting yourself please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit to live chat with someone. Help it out there and you are not alone.

Cover Image Credit: BengaliClicker

Related Content

Connect with a generation
of new voices.

We are students, thinkers, influencers, and communities sharing our ideas with the world. Join our platform to create and discover content that actually matters to you.

Learn more Start Creating

The Struggles Of Having Social Anxiety In An Increasingly Social Society

There really aren't many perks to being a wallflower.


Here's the thing about introversion: if you have it, you probably hate it, and if you don't have it, you can't possibly understand what it's like to have to deal with it on a daily basis. It's no joke - being an introvert can lessen the fun of day-to-day life because of the simple things other people can do that we can only hope for.

Extreme shyness can create extreme shortfalls.

When you have social anxiety, you may find that you spend a little more than enough time inside your own mind, and it can be difficult to be engaged in whatever activity you've found yourself participating in. If a professor so much as whispers the words "ice breaker," I oftentimes feel my heartbeat speed up, and before I know it, I'm overthinking the situation as I try to conjure up the right words to say when my name is called, and I end up zoning out on the class discussion that follows.

While many people who can't be referred to as shy are more than happy to take these social situations by the reins and really show off their character, the rest of us are left in the shadows wondering what in the world we have to do to be confident in ourselves like they are. Why does it get to be so natural for them when we struggle just to introduce ourselves to a class of strangers?

In today's world, there is no room to catch up.

Whether people realize it or not, those of us who struggle with anxiety in social situations really do want to be able to express ourselves as freely as extroverts do all the time, but it isn't nearly that simple. It's far too easy to overthink every social interaction you find yourself in, and you find yourself trying too hard to plan your next joke and losing the other person in the process.

You would think it's obvious that it would be smart to stop worrying so much about what others might not like about you, stop planning out your sentences, and just let the conversation progress naturally. Honestly, if it were as easy as simply knowing all of that and acting on it immediately, there would be no need for me to write any of this today. It is certainly a behavior that can be learned over time, but as one of many who have been slowly pushing for that progress in recent years, I can speak for plenty of other introverts when I say that it takes time to get there. Unfortunately, today's world is so communication-focused that one of the biggest struggles is finally conquering that one social feat with confidence, only to find that the bar has now been raised substantially higher.

Self-confidence is the only way to go!

At the end of the day, the only one who can truly go through with this process is you. Friends who understand your situation will always be there to support you, but unless you can understand that there is value in your own personality and that no one can ever take that from you, you will never be the confident person you could be otherwise.

I'm writing this primarily for my fellow introverts out there who need some encouragement, but all of this is just as necessary for me as well. Nobody is perfect, and we all have something we can improve on in any situation, not excluding social ones.

So go out there and start talking to some people! Take it slow and ease into it, but don't let yourself become so caught up in the possibility of things going wrong or becoming awkward. If all you want to do is sit within your own bubble to protect yourself from any possibility of an awkward conversation, you may miss out on meeting some amazing people who could change your life. And by slowly breaking out of your comfort zone and engaging them in a genuine discussion, you may just end up changing theirs too.

Related Content

Facebook Comments