When Depression Makes You Angry
Start writing a post
Mental Health

Depression Comes In Many Forms, And Mine Made Me A 'Bitch'

While we are all familiar with the picture of a depressed person being sad, withdrawn, and apathetic. For some of us, our inner turmoil is expressed through anger and aggression.

Girl with a fierce stare looking over her shoulder

Emotions are puzzling. They have the power to make us feel really good, or really bad... the only question is why. From an evolutionary standpoint, having emotions was pivotal to the success of the human race. If we were unfeeling, apathetic robots, we probably wouldn't have cooperated with or even given a shit about each other, which isn't what you want in a society that is reliant on connection and communication.

When we take the time to analyze our emotions, we see they have great benefits, despite whether the emotion in question is "good" or "bad."

It's great for us to feel happy. Our positive mood affects others and makes them feel good, too (harmony is essential in a productive society).

It's great for us to feel afraid. Without that emotion, what would've caused early humans to run away from the giant mountain lion 100 feet away from them?

Believe it or not, but it's great for us to feel sad. It's been proven that sadness plays a large part in how humans develop empathy and generosity, which are two very important things we need as human beings.

The only emotion I haven't quite figured out yet is anger. That emotion, it seems, doesn't have a benefit. It's destructive by nature. When we get angry, we do lots of dumb things, like telling our partner they're really not as good in bed as they think they are, or throwing a drink at the car of the person who just cut us off, or even worse.

While not a positive emotion in and of itself, we can train ourselves to use anger as a motivating force to accomplish positive goals, like getting that promotion at work (so that we can then fire that one coworker we've always hated).

However, if we let it, anger doesn't bring us together. It can actually divide us.

I can vouch for that.

Some people have used the term "crazy" or "bitch" to describe me, but I think mildly aggressive is a softer and more appropriate term to use. I can admit it now, because my little problem is well under control, but I used to have anger issues.

Or what I thought at the time was anger issues.

Every little thing would irritate me: the way someone spoke, the way someone looked at me, being told to do things, etc. Every time I got irritated, it would be like the flame on a pot of water would be turned up, eventually to the point where the water started to boil over.

And then I would have a full meltdown.

I know I looked crazy to everyone else since I would go berserk (screaming, throwing things, insulting people, etc.) over the tiniest thing, but little did they know I had been accumulating irritation and annoyance for weeks on end. During my meltdowns, it was like I just snapped.

And then after snapping, I felt like shit.

I couldn't figure out why I was always so angry, or why I took out my anger on the people closest to me. I always considered myself a nice person… until I wasn't. And the transition from nice, generous girl to "bitch" wasn't quite clear to me.

It took me years to figure it out, but once I did, I realized I didn't have anger issues at all.

I was depressed.

Yes, you read that correctly. Depressed. "Angry depression," as I like to call it, is the same type of depression most people are familiar with. You feel tired all the time, unmotivated, deeply sad, and your self-esteem and self-confidence plummet to hell. You have crying spells, you isolate yourself from your friends and family, you feel like a failure who doesn't deserve to live... except for one little thing. You don't express these adverse and defeating emotions by being withdrawn and sedentary, you express it by being a raging bitch.

No one ever saw me cry. No one ever knew what I was feeling or thinking. They only saw that my patience was thin and that I had a tongue ready to hurl out words meant to kill.

I didn't want to be bothered by anyone. In fact, I made sure people avoided me because I didn't think I deserved any love or attention. As more people pushed me away, I got sadder, which lead to me thinking worse things about myself, which then led to more anger and then the whole process started all over again.

I was so angry because I felt like shit all the time. I was angry because I had forgotten what it felt like to be happy. I was angry because I didn't enjoy anything: not writing, not reading, not being with my family or friends, not even shopping. I felt trapped, like I had no control over my body or my life. I was angry because I didn't know why I felt the way I did and I couldn't figure out how to stop it.

I hated how angry I was and every time I lashed out, I hated myself just a little bit more. The cycle of sadness and self-deprecation was never-ending.

Thankfully, that chapter of my life is over. I am no longer depressed (although I still have my bitchy moments, like we all do) and I have to say it feels great. I feel like myself again and Lord knows that's a refreshing feeling. Over the past few months, as I've slowly started to enjoy my old activities and gain a more positive outlook on life, I've realized that my anger, as much as it had been a product of my depression, had also been my crutch.

Being a "bitch" wasn't something I did because I got high off of hurting others. It was the only way I knew how to express myself. Anger had been brewing deep inside of me for so long that it was the only emotion I knew. With my happiness and enjoyment of life gone, it was the only emotion I remembered and felt comfortable enough expressing. It became second nature to me.

With everything I've been through, the topic of mental health is extremely important to me. Tolerance and acceptance of these disorders and the people that suffer from them is something that we greatly lack as a society. When it comes to depression, we are familiar with one textbook version of it: the tired, lonely, and sad person that sits on their couch all day hating their existence.

While that is the reality for some people, depression can be expressed in a multitude of ways, either through anger or perhaps in no way at all (the number of people who are depressed but don't show it is much higher than we think). It's about time that we recognize that with mental illness, there are definite and unavoidable symptoms that all victims will experience, but when it comes to the expression of those symptoms, they can be as unique as the person suffering from the disorder.

It would've been nice if the people around me, instead of judging and isolating me, would've asked me if I needed help. Of course, I can't blame them. They didn't know. When someone is being hostile to you, the last thing you want to think about is how you can help them. However, I hope that by sharing my story that I can encourage other people to judge less and speak more. A simple question, like "Are you OK?" or "Is something bothering you?" would've meant so much to me. It's time that we stop assuming things about people and start trying to understand them more.

I also hope that by sharing my story I can show others that they're not alone. I'm not sure if my case of depression is textbook or rare, but for anyone out there that shows they feel like absolute crap through their anger, know that it's not your fault and that you can rid these negative emotions from your mind and your life.

So I hope that for all of the "bitches" out there who are not cold-hearted and vapid, but just going through something, that you seek the help that you need. And for those out there who have to deal with them, offer them just a little more patience and understanding.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Student Life

Social Media Or Soul Media

To the generation that cares way too much about affirmation.

Emma Smith
  • This semester I am taking the ever so famous class, Writing 101. Walking into it, I had heard the horror stories about each major assignment. I have to admit, it’s not a class that I am fond of. But, major assignment #2 got me thinking, we had to create a research question based off of a topic that we are interested in.

Two weeks prior, I watched a very interesting documentary on Netflix. Miss Representation was recommended to me by one of my friends and I have to say the topic is absolutely mind blowing. Social Media and Female Body Image. How Social Media makes girls see this unnatural perfection of ‘beauty’ that really doesn’t exist. But female body image isn’t the only thing affected by social media.

Keep Reading... Show less

Sex And The Church

A letter to fellow believers.

Amanda Hayes
  • I know many of you just read that title and thought it was scandalous to see something so “risque” in the same setting as something holy. Well guess what – sex is part of that. Everyone seems to think they are separate, which makes since because most people treat them as though they are complete polar opposites. Shall we think this through?

Who created the Church body? God. Who created the body? Also God. If we know God to be the creator of all things, we cannot leave sex out of that equation. God created sex, people! Praise Him! Like all great things, the world has twisted and perverted it. The world has stained it so badly that even many church congregations see it only as stained and keep quiet about that part of God’s word. Many people know that God told Adam and Eve to “be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28), but a lot of people overlook the entirety of Song of Solomon. The entire book is dedicated to telling of the love and sex between man and wife. God blessed us with the gift of intimacy, one to be shared between husband and wife. Church if we teach of sex as the blessing that it is, more people will start treating it as such. If we stop viewing sex as this unspeakable act, the temptation would be lessened. With the fall of man, humans naturally desire things they should not have. So if more people speak of it with gladness and praise, and do not hide it in the darkness as if it were vile, fewer people would be drawn to it for the wrong reasons. More people would appreciate it for what it is: a gift from God.

Keep Reading... Show less

Chick-fil-A, I love you.

Keep Reading... Show less

An open letter to my father

What you did sounds dumb to me

An open letter to my father
The Truth About My Parents' Divorce

Considering im 18 now & you're one of the best men i've ever met since you have a child; me. I want you to know that I love you, more than anyone, I love you. I don't forgive you for the way you hurt my mother. I'm hurt because you broke our family. Thing went down hill the day you found Laquita. You we're distant & shortly after my mother turned into the coldest, saddest women to walk past me. She's my best friend & so are you. Not one day goes by where I don't wonder what she did wrong. How on earth could you trade your family & the women who loved you unconditionally for a home wrecker? Sounds dumb to me.

Keep Reading... Show less

Is God Reckless?

Exploring the controversy behind the popular worship song "Reckless Love"

Is God Reckless?

First things first I do not agree with people getting so caught up in the specific theology of a song that they forget who they are singing the song to. I normally don't pay attention to negative things that people say about worship music, but the things that people were saying caught my attention. For example, that the song was not biblical and should not be sung in churches. Worship was created to glorify God, and not to argue over what kind of theology the artist used to write the song. I was not made aware of the controversy surrounding the popular song "Reckless Love" by Cory Asbury until about a week ago, but now that I am aware this is what I have concluded.The controversy surrounding the song is how the term reckless is used to describe God's love. This is the statement that Cory Asbury released after many people questioned his theology regarding his lyrics. I think that by trying to clarify what the song was saying he added to the confusion behind the controversy.This is what he had to say,
"Many have asked me for clarity on the phrase, "reckless love". Many have wondered why I'd use a "negative" word to describe God. I've taken some time to write out my thoughts here. I hope it brings answers to your questions. But more than that, I hope it brings you into an encounter with the wildness of His love.When I use the phrase, "the reckless love of God", I'm not saying that God Himself is reckless. I am, however, saying that the way He loves, is in many regards, quite so. What I mean is this: He is utterly unconcerned with the consequences of His actions with regards to His own safety, comfort, and well-being. His love isn't crafty or slick. It's not cunning or shrewd. In fact, all things considered, it's quite childlike, and might I even suggest, sometimes downright ridiculous. His love bankrupted heaven for you. His love doesn't consider Himself first. His love isn't selfish or self-serving. He doesn't wonder what He'll gain or lose by putting Himself out there. He simply gives Himself away on the off-chance that one of us might look back at Him and offer ourselves in return.His love leaves the ninety-nine to find the one every time."
Some people are arguing that song is biblical because it makes reference to the scripture from Matthew 28:12-14 and Luke 15. Both of these scriptures talk about the parable of the lost sheep and the shepherd. The shepherd symbolizes God and the lost sheep are people that do not have a relationship with God. On the other hand some people are arguing that using the term reckless, referring to God's character is heretical and not biblical. I found two articles that discuss the controversy about the song.The first article is called, "Reckless Love" By Cory Asbury - "Song Meaning, Review, and Worship Leading Tips." The writer of the article, Jake Gosselin argues that people are "Making a mountain out of a molehill" and that the argument is foolish. The second article, "God's Love is not Reckless, Contrary to What You Might Sing" by author Andrew Gabriel argues that using the term reckless is irresponsible and that you cannot separate Gods character traits from God himself. For example, saying that God's love is reckless could also be argued that God himself is reckless. Reckless is typically not a word that someone would use to describe God and his love for us. The term reckless is defined as (of a person or their actions) without thinking or caring about the consequences of an action. However, Cory Asbury is not talking about a person, he is talking about God's passionate and relentless pursuit of the lost. While I would not have chosen the word reckless, I understand what he was trying to communicate through the song. Down below I have linked two articles that might be helpful if you are interested in reading more about the controversy.

Keep Reading... Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments