The phone continued vibrating across the room, lying on the floor. The pulsing awoke me from the numb state I was in, the emotional pain making a reappearance and bringing the water works along with it. I stared down at the tiny puddle forming on the wooden floor, determined to paint the stained oak a haunting dark shade - reflecting my sadness.
It's happening all over again...
Anxiety quickly spread over me and only made the small quivering and sobs grow in intensity and volume. I soon found myself overflowing with emotion with no one around to comfort or hold me. It didn't feel like my body. It was as if a foreign entity had invaded my body and began taking control. I was in a battle for control of my body so I needed to be there extra early. I quickly regained my composure and went into my closet. I fished around and found my crisp tuxedo and bow-tie. This would be my last chorus concert of my senior year of high school. It was time to move on to bigger and better things in college.
But he lives around where you're going to college...
I only let a single tear trickle down my cheek before I pushed the damned thought aside and got dressed. I glanced at the mirror to inspect my appearance. Any other person would say I looked down right handsome, and that they saw a hint of happiness in my look. When I looked in the mirror, I saw a broken-down and exhausted boy. I saw someone who disguised himself with fake smiles and laughter just to mask the inevitable pain that he went through everyday. He was just tired was all. Tired of emotions running loose and wrecking relentless havoc in his head. That was what people failed to see.
Nevertheless, I evaded my thoughts once more and dashed out my front door while forcing my dress shoes onto my feet. I got in my car and quickly rode off in the direction of my school. I acknowledged the time and saw that the sun was starting to disappear and the sky began growing darker and emptier. I passed an ice-cream parlor and memories instantly rushed back into my head:
So this was...our first date right? I asked him after we had finished our cups. The light from the sun shone into the car and illuminated his face, giving him a complexion that made him glow like an angel.
He smiled and gave me my first kiss, "It was."
My eyes grew watery again, but I fought the tears hard once I reached the school. Once I reached the choir room, I was greeted by all my fellow choir family members. Yes, they were all like a second family to me. I hugged everyone and gave kisses to my closest friends, who noticed my red eyes. I avoided their questioning looks and looked at the time: 6:50 pm. There was only 10 minutes left before the concert started and I had to be backstage already. Once I reached backstage, I was given a microphone and told to take the stage.Only the curtains blocked me from the crowd who waited anxiously for the performance to start.
A million thoughts ran through my head. A bunch of memories were stuck on replay. The cogs in my brain started slowing down and so did time. It felt as if I were re-living these moments all over again.
The crowd got quieter, reduced to hushes and whispers. The curtains were revealed and I was still shrouded in darkness. I walked slowly to front and center stage, looking probably like a dark silhouette to everyone. I scanned the crowd, hoping to notice a couple of friendly and familiar faces. I saw my mom and aunts, instantly becoming calmer and more subdued than I was earlier.
My eyes shot towards the new sound of the auditorium doors opening. I took notice of the guy who looked around before finding an empty seat in the center of the back row of the auditorium. I saw his face once he settled into his seat, and I instantly received chills tickling the length of my entire body. I grew cold and stiff, unable to move.
Someone had announced my name and what I would be singing and the crowd applauded, except for the boy who I once called my own. Another boy took a seat next to him, his arm tightly around him. I looked away from him after locking eyes for a while.
The instrumental played in the background, and I began my song of heartache and denial. I found myself looking all around the auditorium except in his direction. I couldn't look him in the eye anymore because if I did, I would break down. But no matter what I did, I found myself choking on the words. I accidentally looked at him and it was towards the end of the song:
"When the lights come on and I'm on my own, will you be there?"
Tears came streaming once again and my voice began faltering till the very last verse:
"Can I be him?"
And then a brief moment of silence before the crowd started to applaud. I ran off stage, not daring to look back into his eyes again. I pushed past my friends and others who were trying to congratulate me and rushed to get outside. The air was growing thin and I started to become extremely dizzy. Once I finally made it outside, I let out deep breaths and gasps.
It was dark out, and not a single spec could be seen in the sky. Everything radiated darkness, exactly how I was feeling because there was no shooting star to wish upon and ask for things to go back to normal - back to the time where my happiness was real.
The auditorium door suddenly opened and I turned around to get a glimpse of who it was. My heart dropped once more and I was once again face to face with him. I studied his eyes, noticing the tiniest glimpse of sparkle in his eyes that resembled the sparkle I saw on our first date. The rest of him screamed of cold and rejection. Only the sparkle reminded me that this was actually the boy I had once loved.
Still loved...
That was when I lost it. I fell to my knees and completely shut down - my body stuck in an emotional state of pain, unable to stop the raindrops that just kept on coming. I felt him touch my shoulder and try to embrace me in a hug.
I fought him, shrieked and yelled for him to get off me. I was fueled with anger at this point, finally at my breaking point. He backed away slowly, lightly sobbing.
I'm so sorry...he says to me.
I wished it were different. I wished that I could move on from it and be done. I wanted a clean slate. When I looked up to respond to him, there was nobody there.
It was then when I realized that I would never be able to move on.
He was never there.
