I am followed by the demon of anxiety. I find myself motionless in thought, every ounce of me hurting, crying out in distress. He blurs my morals and makes me incapable of socialization. I wake up nervous before I even give the new day a chance. All of the possible things that could go wrong in the next 24 hours pop into my head and never leave. I constantly find myself thinking, “When will God give me a break? When will I get a break?"
This demon weighs me down. He is a thousand-pound anchor in an ocean doing all that he can to keep me from holding my head above the water so that no matter how excruciating the pain is, I have to keep my chin up in order to survive. And every time I watch the one thing that I need so badly drift right in front of my gasping face, I go to reach it and find myself with a mouth full of water falling a step further back than I already am.
The demon wipes away all that I have come to know and love. I've swirled into oblivion. I was once full of confidence and self-assurance, but now, I doubt everything about myself and what I do. I try so hard to take the necessary precautions to avoid the beast's attack, but he always finds a way to bring me down. Life gets lived in the fear of the next attack. Just thinking about it can invite him in sooner than he was planning to come.
As much as I don't want anybody around, I am afraid of being alone. Anytime I am in my room, the demon eats away at me. He indulges in every optimistic thought I produced, destroying it at its initial presence. The only one he left me with was, “Is this all worth it? My best will never be good enough.”
I am in a constant state of anxiety. I am lost in translation. I try so hard not to let the tears fall from my cheeks in fear of adding to the water in which I was already drowning in. I yearn for confidence and tranquility, my well-being, but most of all, my strength. I need to lose the savage and find myself.
I wish to thrive in school. I wish to thrive in the public arena, and in the presence of myself and only myself. I can imagine what it would be like to be able to stand in front of a room filled with people and not feel panic washing over me. To not be afraid of the future and its potential risks. It seems amazing, but also impossible for me. I overthink to the point of exhaustion. It's a toxic cycle and I don't know how to end it and trust me, I try.
So with this being said, Anxiety, please go away.
