While in high school, I went from your below-average student, who did not care about grades or the future, to shaping future goals and dreams that go even beyond college. With the help of my family, coaches, and high school counselor, I found myself working harder and pushing myself to succeed in everything I did to reach my goals. Soon enough I was applying to colleges, touring them, and meeting with their faculty and coaches to continue on in the dreams of becoming a nurse. After a handful of visits, one in particular stood out. I went on other visits and found myself comparing each college to the one that stood out. Finally, I told my parent's that I knew for a fact where I wanted to attend school to pursue my career as an athlete while continuing my education with intent to come home a nurse.
After some wonderful years at school, I found myself wanting more than the life I created for myself in college. I was hungry for much more than who I was and what I was to become. I dated a guy for three years, spending most, if not all of the limited extra time that I had with him. I, without a doubt, loved him more than I could express and even talked about plans after school. Things were shaky during the last year of the relationship, I found things about him that made me question our entire relationship, like him talking about me to other girls in a negative manner, how he emotionally abused me, how he left bruises on my arm, his mean and inconsiderate remarks to my friends and family, a completely different side of him that I had been too blind to see. I created a break in the relationship, hoping that the person that I thought I knew was actually there. Of course, the hope that I gave myself was completely wrong, in fact so wrong that it nearly ended the life I created myself. I felt as though I had lost everything. I felt hurt and betrayed by friends, teammates, and some of my family. With a couple of great friends, my mother, and teammates, I was able to pick myself up from what I thought was going to be my all-time low.
All within the time frame of "dating" this boy, I lost two family members, near and dear to my heart. I lost my faith, I lost sight of what was important to reach my dreams, and I lost the love I had for the life I had. When I ended the relationship, I did not notice what good was to come. I was so busy and absorbed in his life, which had led me to neglect mine. I had to find myself again. I remembered what drove me to this path I was on, and with a couple of changes, I came out a stronger, wiser, and better person. I had to grieve for my own losses, and pull myself together. Finally, I found a day when the pain that shot from my heart, all the way to my fingertips, stopped. That nagging, painful tinge was finally gone. I was okay.
For the first time in my college history, as a fifth-year senior, I went tailgating with some friends, and fell in love at first sight. After asking my friend who this handsome devil was, I found myself extremely interested in this guy. He was so tall and had the best smile that I had ever seen, one that made you believe that he was so happy and content with life, and one you wanted to stare at for the rest of your life (maybe that was just me). I was told he owned a business, had a nice blue truck, and was the nicest teddy bear of a guy that I could meet. Without further ado, this friend went and told this handsome man about me and...nothing!! Absolutely nothing came out of it. Completely taken aback by the fact that I had lost my game due to dating some ass monkey of a guy for three years, I did what every wise college woman would do. I Facebook stalked about 5,000 people with the same first name in the same town and looked at every picture until I found him. Once I found him, of course I was hopping up and down with joy, I pushed the friend button.
He accepted! Not only did he want to be my friend and probably stalk all of my pictures as well, but he started a conversation. This man was so sweet, liked sports, cared about his family, talked to his mom very often, and was in my eyes the most attractive man in the universe. I didn't need to know anything more, from that moment on, I was sold on the guy. Of course, I had to play hard to get, and said no to dating him a couple of times, but he wasn't stupid and saw right through my sneaky little tricks. Within weeks, I met his parents, he met mine, and we were dating. It was as if I was dating him for years, he was so easy to talk to and had this white stocking cap with airplanes that looked so dang cute on him, he was so addicting and intoxicating. It was easy to say that I was falling head over heels for this man.
To this day, I still wonder how I found someone who is so opposite of anyone I have ever dated. From time to time, this brings up my insecurities, and I wonder if I am doing what is right, I wonder if he is truly happy, and I get scared of losing the person who holds my heart and soul. BUT I realize, this has nothing to do with any part of me not being good enough, it has to do with me underestimating my self-worth. Yes, I lost my way down the path to everything I have worked for, but this man met me coming out of my darkest hour and loves me anyway. He understands that I am a work in progress and helps me get through the difficult times. He knows that I have a lot to re-teach myself and that this is something that I must do on my own. Answering my own questions to why I am doing what I am doing have become easier. Realizing that I deserved a man who treated me with respect, would never hurt me, who knew my value was only the beginning. To regain contact with reaching my goals I knew I would have to continue to understand my self-worth.
I am lucky to have found this man, but I wish it had not taken so long for me to begin to find my self-worth. Thus, I am writing this article. Sometimes in your darkest hour, you find the light. Whether it is someone you meet, a quote, a pet, or this article, remember the true meaning of finding your self-worth; it is for the benefit of you.
"The core of who you are as a person is permanent, a foundation built throughout the early years of your life. The good stuff however - kindness, selflessness, drive, reason, and understanding all come later. How you choose to decorate who you are is up to you. So be creative." - Beau Taplin.
It is up to you how
you see your own worth. As a continuous work in progress, I have an option to
keep decorating myself with the good stuff, and I want to create something beautiful.