2017 arrived unannounced.

It walked straight into the room like it already called this world its home.

It startled us all, the neighbors left the room quickly not prepared to welcome its presence.

It was like all years, coming at a time earlier than expected.

Years always come at absurd times,

and, with definite resoluteness, they remind us of how much we failed.

New Year’s Resolutions are brutality and cruelty in their purest forms.

They’re remnants of the past year, reminding people of the things they’ll never have time to achieve.

Write Down the Things You’ll Never do! Make a list! Tell Your Friends!

They say, and we happily oblige, dreaming of a better us.

In 2017, I learned what it meant to fall;

What it feels like to be weightless and yet utterly weighed down.

I filled my pockets with other people’s stones and I didn’t share my own.

My safety net had dissipated without warning; I was free falling.

I played both the protagonist and antagonist in my own undoing,

I apologized for reasons still unclear to me to people that didn’t deserve apologies.

I lied to those I loved under the pretense that I was protecting them

While protecting no one but myself, desperate to keep the truth of my failure a secret.

I learned I trust and love with my whole heart.

I give the world to people who do not deserve it,

I give myself to people who can’t look at me when I reveal that I am broken.

My ultimate demise would come from my belief in others,

So I vowed to forever remain inwards.

If you met me now, so close to the reset button, I’d be a vision of perfection.

My grades are immaculate,

I can tell you how many days are in a year, who was president in 1902

But ask me about myself and watch how quickly I crumble.

“Intelligent people are the most burdened,” They say

But I am not intelligent.

Ask me to state a fact about any subject and I’ll do so with ease.

Then ask me if my mind keeps me up at night and my own thoughts fill my soul with such dread that I rely on sleeping pills to shut my brain off.

Ask me if my heart believes that if I slip up, appear to be imperfect

The floor will disappear below my feet and I’ll be just that skinny girl who used to be so full of promise.

Ask me if my fear of burdening those that I love and trust so deeply

Was the reason I decided I wanted to disappear from this world entirely.

Ask if my darkest secret is how close I came to the curtain falling,

How the reality of my dark truth sings its sad song in my heart every day.

I’m so preoccupied with the debate of my intelligence

That I have rules for myself that I follow.

I cannot get an A-,

But if I do, I get a week to hate myself for it.

I cannot NOT know the answer to a question,

But if I do, I pull out my phone and find it as quickly as possible,

And I apologize immediately for my not knowing.

I can count my secrets on both hands,

But if I share one, I add a new one to the list.

Ask me for the truth and

You will decide I am not intelligent

But rather wearing a coat so full of anxiety & love & trust that it brings me so close the floor

That I should thank gravity for existing.

Otherwise I’d be sinking into the dark unknown,

But sometimes I think I’d prefer that.

2018 holds promise,

New years always do.

Hold tightly to those you love,

Remind yourself that everyone you know wears a coat of burden,

Whether self-created or weighed down more and more as time passes.

Life is difficulty and hardship.
Everyone will experience the worst scenario imaginable,

The unlucky few will experience it twice.

Life is filling the world with magic and appreciating what you have.

Tell people you admire them; never expect they know how much they matter.

Understand that the girl who seems happy might be drowning,

Offer assistance when the time seems right but only if your intention is pure.

This time, hold the door open for 2018.

Prepare yourself for its cruel reminders and embrace it in all its absurdity.