TW: Death, anxiety, panic attacks.
Death affected me in ways I didn’t expect.
I grew up in a privileged setting with regards to death; it was always something I’ve heard of but never fully experienced. My grandma passed when I was 3 and not being able to remember, and we expected my uncle to go when he did in early 2015. Death was just a foreign concept to me, something I didn’t think I would have to prepare for so soon.
Death affected me in ways I didn’t expect.
On October 11th of 2015 I received word that my cousin was in the hospital. My mom said it was bad, but I didn’t understand it was that bad. An undetected heart defect led to a heart attack that landed him a 15-hour surgery. I remained hopeful, because that’s who I am. But hope only went so far, when on October 15th he passed in his sleep. He was 33, and it was all too close to home.
Death affected me in ways I didn’t expect.
It was all too surreal. The four days he spent in the hospital, as well as the days and weeks following his death, seemed like it was living in a dissociating nightmare. It was emotional, it was numbing and it seemed like it was going so quickly yet so slowly. The grieving went exactly as expected, and I thought after a few weeks I was going to be okay. However, things don’t always go the way you plan.
Death affected me in ways I didn’t expect.
I didn’t realize I was paranoid about dying until I noticed I was constantly on edge. Every time I went home late from work I worried about something bad happening to. I started questioning every decision I made because I worried about the risk of death from the choices I made. I worried going to sleep every night due to fear of not waking up the next morning. He was so young when he died, how could I know it couldn’t happen to me at a young age too? It was always at the back of my mind, it always determined the decisions I made and it became center of my entire life. Anxiety became the dictator, and I was living under its rule.
Death affected me in ways I didn’t expect.
The line between my sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system was completely hazed. Panic attacks began erupting throughout my day. The thought of dying was enough to send my body into overdrive. I didn’t understand why I was the only one reacting so badly to his death. I didn’t understand why my life was hyper-focused on something inevitable. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t move forward with my life like everyone else. My life seemed to be devoured by this fear, and I wasn’t sure I was going to get out. However, I learned that when you hit rock bottom you can only go up from there.
Death affected me in ways I didn’t expect.
Slowly but surely, I learned to regain control over my mind and soul. I started learning what were triggers for me, what subjects I completely avoid and others I could lightly tread. I learned to be gentle to myself on my bad days, and to praise myself on the good ones. Life isn’t perfect, and some days are a lot harder than others. However, I learned to focus on the two steps I take moving forward on my good days and not the one step I take backwards on my bad days.
Death affected me in ways I didn’t expect.
It’s been about a year and a half since my cousin passed. Looking back, I never expected my life to go through the roller coaster it did. I never expected his death to affect, change and shape me the way it did. I learned the value of self-care, and I learned that mental illnesses are powerful yet manageable. The impact of his death permanently changed my views on the world. Though there are times when death can strike anxiety within me, I learned that I don't have to surround my life around it.
Death affected me in ways I didn’t expect, but it doesn’t have to consume my entire life.
