To bring my concerns to your attention, let's talk about your once-a-month bitch fits. I do not now, or ever, plan to have children. Therefore, I do not believe my insides should be severely beaten because of my decision. Also, it would be amazing if you could not sync up with others of your kind without my knowledge. Your fits of rage are one thing, but having them sporadically is another.

I do my best to maintain what you cannot by "trimming the hedges" and such, but you show your disapproval through your redness and irritation.

Oh, vagina, why is it that you choose the most inconvenient times to discharge your waste? Is there something that I am missing? All I've gathered so far is your disregard for me.

Why is it that you feel the need to contract yourself at the most inappropriate times? Those hurt, you know. What makes you so intimidating that you seem to have made my other body parts malfunction as well? I am often nauseated, and at a loss for words, because I have passed out either in my bed or on the ground— wherever I just so happen to be at the time.

I sincerely hope that we can start to have a better relationship with one another. It would be nice not to wish to be the opposite gender, for once, and to get to know you a little better.

There is only so much a book, the Internet, and people can tell you. Each vagina is different, and you, my friend, prove that to be very true. Fortunately, I am still trying to stick with you and see the good in the bumps and bruises you most likely will give me along the way.

I remember our early years when we were about 10 years old. You were sweet and kind and didn't give me any worries. And we seemed to be even more inseparable. Remember those times, Vag?

I have not yet lived my life completely and that scares me because remembering what you have done over the years, only means that there are more nauseated mornings and stomach clenching days to come.

I see the women on social media and TV who are so comfortable with their innards, but your unpredictability prevents that. You see, what I'm asking is just for a compromise—an equilibrium, if you will, becuase whether you like it or not we are pretty much in this for the long haul.

Sincerely,

Your lifelong partner