I was never a “Daddy’s girl.” I was very independent from a young age. It took a while to see, but my dad was the male version of me. It was almost as if someone had cloned our personalities. Growing up, I watched my dad break slowly. My parents divorced and he became depressed. If you’ve never dealt with depression, it is very hard to explain. It’s like someone's constantly reminding you to be upset even on your best days. Everyone handles depression differently. My dad chose to handle his with anger, so over time, I left him and he left me. My dad was the kind of man to drop everything and restart, so he did just that. I never stopped thinking about him though. I always wondered where he was, if he had a new family and if he thought of me everyday too.
On November 4th, 2016 my father committed suicide.
Although I did not have an ideal relationship with my father, there are a few things I would love for him to know.
So here it goes:
Dear Dad,
Time flies. I think the last time you saw me, I was making friendship bracelets and wearing bottom eyeliner.
I think we would be best friends. I’m more like you than I ever realized. I’ve always admired how you could just drop everything and travel. I’ve seen this more in myself because that’s how I deal with stress. I leave. You’re always down for an adventure and I am too. I heard about how you randomly showed up at Mardi Gras and lived like there was no tomorrow and if that isn’t me, then I don't know what is. I think if you knew me now, we would have traveled the world. I still don't know how you ended up in New Zealand all the time…who goes there? (But low-key, I want to go there because of how amazing you claimed it was). Some of my favorite memories stem from our random trips around Michigan. Whether it was feeding bears in the Upper Peninsula, skiing up north or walking through Tahquamenon Falls, these memories are the ones that made me fall in love with traveling and exploring our beautiful world.
Do not even get me started on how similar we are vocally. You spoke your mind 25/7 (because 24/7 wasn’t enough). No matter the situation, you managed to make a joke out of SOMETHING. We both are known for our personalities because of how sarcastic and loud we are. We speak our mind and don't hold back. You were the wild child of the family and I’m almost positive that my Mom would agree that I was not an “angel” to raise.
Dad, we are alike in all these amazing ways but we are also similar on a much deeper level. We both have struggled with depression but I wish you could have seen the light at the end of the tunnel. Everything gets better and life is so unbelievably beautiful. I wish you could have truly seen how big of an impact you left on people. You brought the gift of laughter to the world. I wish you could have seen me get my license, go to prom, graduate, get accepted into college, get a bid from my dream sorority, go to formals, pass my classes and much more. There's so much I wish you could have been there for. You also missed out on me discovering who I am. These past few years, I have changed so much, dad. I am so similar to you that it’s unreal. Even walking into family parties I still hear the phrase “yeah, she's definitely Hugh’s daughter.”
There are also some things I would love to thank you for. Thank you for teaching me to drive (I still suck incase you’re wondering). Thank you for teaching me how to throw a football. Thank you for showing me the beauty of nature and teaching me how important it is to travel. Thank you for teaching me how crucial it is to blast music and sing your favorite songs in the car. Thank you for teaching me to make jokes out of life’s worst situations. Thank you for teaching me how to make people smile and for teaching me how absolutely important it is to make people smile. Thank you for showing me to not care what others think of me and thank you for teaching me the most important lesson of all: how to live life to the fullest.
So Dad, until we meet again, I guess you'll get to watch me continue to grow up, but from a better place. I can't wait to see you again someday.
Love,
Meg
