Dear Body,

You are beautiful. It's been a long time coming, and you deserve more than this letter or this statement. You deserve so much more. I'm almost 24 now and most of my life I've left you in the dark. As I reflect on my life I think these three questions. What could I have done for you? What could I have said to you? How could I have treated you better? Not only better, but at least decently. Body, you've heard it all. You've heard what I've said about you. Everything. Pleasant or not, the words still hang in the air over the years like a fog that can't seem to go away. You know more than anyone will really know. Whether in the earshot of a friend, or in the cold quiet of the night I said "I hate you," more times than I could count. And no, it wasn't always a verbal declaration of disdain, but almost like a quiet affirmation that unspoken or spoken became a habit. Sometimes I wouldn't always speak, or cry, or whisper, or yell, I would just look. My body language said it all and you understood. I would pinch my face in and slouch, analyzing every corner, every dimple or mark, deeming each part like a map of my worth. "I am worthy hear and ugly there," until I covered the entirety of my skin. Some days were better than others. I had moments of sheer and secure joy with you. But always at some point I felt the hate bubble up from my toes to my heart, "Oh why am I like this?" My heart sinks writing this. No one should feel this way. But I did.

I was eight. My poor prepubescent body wasn't even fully developed yet and here I was completely dissatisfied with it. An eight year old should be worried about things like field day and how awesome the song in choir is, not worrying about weight or appearance. Body, who taught me this? Why did I believe them? I wish I could've ignored it all. I wish I wasn't taught by others around me in the school hallways, on the buses, and in the media to think of myself as less than beautiful. Why couldn't I be like them? Why couldn't I attain this feeling, this look, this satisfaction of knowing that I was beautiful? I could have appreciated my gifts and used them earlier on instead of hiding them behind false modesty and shame of myself. I could have understood your worth and not have allowed others to decide how they could use and dispose of me. I could have taken the time to understood what you needed for fuel instead of putting you under extreme conditions. Nothing could satisfy my disdain for my body, not even my passions and the things I loved most like swimming and singing. I almost allowed what others thought of you to almost stop me from singing which is funny because you are the one that holds my vocal chords in place! You've seen it all. What more could I have done if I had not hated you?

I could have loved myself. I could have been more of the creative and beautiful force that I am for others. So to my dear Body, I am so so sorry, I'm sorry that I've hated you for so long. I'm sorry for the pinching and the prodding. I'm sorry for the way my heavy sobs and sadness prevented me from loving you better. I'm sorry I allowed others to dictate my beauty and my worth. I'm sorry you missed out on countless hours of play for fear of what I might look like. You never deserved that, and neither did I. Today it is still not easy, but I am learning to love you. Almost like a child learning to love for the first time, but it is a start. I'm trying and learning to love you right now as you are and for myself. Because living under the slavery of hating your own skin is tiring. I want to love you and move you and fuel you. I want to do what's best for you so that you can bring me whats best for me too because I am continuing to learn what amazing things you do for me every day.

You do things like pumping my blood, allowing me to move, allowing me to sing and act, allowing me create and think and learn, allowing me to love others and receive love and so much more. What an amazing and wonderful and creative force you are! It's a blessing and a joy to continue to discover these things every day. I will continue to learn and to love you so that no time is wasted hating you and sitting out of life because of it because you amaze me. You are beautiful.

"You are enough. You are so enough. It is unbelievable how enough you are."

Thank you.

All my love,

Me