Dear Abuser,

Did it make you feel superior? Did you feel like the “man”? Did the bruises you left on me show you how “masculine” you were? You beat me till I bled. But, it didn’t hurt you, did it? It never crossed your mind the damage you would cause. It never occurred to you the life you would ruin or the impact you would leave--not once.

One day I hope you feel the pain I have felt for so long. The pain you so carelessly thrust upon me time and time again. I listened to everyone talk about how excited they were to go home, to play with their siblings, run around outside, play with the other kids that lived by them--not me, I was scared to death that today would be the day that my body would give out and that, that hit would be the last one I could take. That final hit would shatter my bones and blow into the oblivion. I wouldn't wake up. I would take my last breath and my lungs would give out, my heart would stop pumping..... my brain would no longer function.

I pondered my options many times, going over the details. All those nights that I was up into the wee hours, sobbing, contemplating life and death. I was so sick of feeling like a piece of trash flung out the window and left on the side of the road. Feeling like no one cared and no one would ever understand. All I wanted to do was die. I knew how I would do it. I stayed up so many nights planning it out. Step by step, how exactly it would be executed. Who would find me there.... dead, who would even really care. You sure wouldn’t have. But, what would you have done then? Found a new victim? A new poor soul to ruin and crush--piece by piece. Would you have stopped then just because your actions killed someone..? Probably not.

I was ready to do it. I was done living in a dark world with no where to go and no one to run to. I knew I would get home 1-2 hours before everyone else that particular day. I was done living. I didn’t want to hurt anymore. I didn’t want to feel lost in a sea of blood and bruises. I was going home to end my miserable excuse of a life.

Then, something changed within me that day. I found a new drive within myself. I couldn’t go out that easy. I couldn’t pull the trigger or tie the knot. I had to live. I had to find my own strength, not for me, not for you. I did it for the little girl standing in my shoes that I would one day tell my story to and it would save her life.

You’re an ass, you’re the assest of all asses. But you, you are done controlling my life.

Sincerely,