Dear Razor Blade,
It's been so long since I have pulled you out. I actually can't believe how long it has been. There was a time that I thought I would never be able to go more than a couple of days without you. I'm glad I was wrong. I'm proud of myself for not calling on you when life gets bad anymore, even though there have been times I have wanted to.
Don't think that I don't think about you at all anymore, because I do. I can't help it. There are days when the only thing I want to do is pull you back out and feel your bite against my skin again. Sometimes I miss you. I can't deny that. I'm not going to pretend that everything has been rainbows and butterflies since the last time I saw you. It hasn't been. Not even close. Sometimes I feel like it would be much easier to come running back to you. That way I could have the illusion of control over something in my life again.
It sounds so good in the moment, but then I remember everything else you bring. All the pain and the guilt and the shame that you bring with you. All the lies I had to tell because of you. I realize that even then, when I thought I had control, I didn't. You had all the control. I was completely at your mercy. I am finally free. I refuse to go back.
I used to think that the only chance I had at being happy was with you in the background, silently waiting for me. I let you ruin so many happy moments, because I was convinced they would never last. I was wrong. I let you take away any real emotions I ever had. I let you control me and keep me numb. I never had a chance at being happy. Now I can feel everything.
Yes, not everything I feel is great. I have felt deeper pain than I ever thought possible without you, but I have also been happier than I have ever been. I never knew what it was like to wake up with a smile on my face and look forward to the day when you were around. Now I do. I know what it is like to be happy for more than a few minutes at a time. I know what it is like to laugh with friends and not have to hold back tears. I am able to do all of that without you.
Just because you aren’t a part of my life anymore, that doesn’t mean I will completely forget about you. You will always be a part of my past. Our time together made a permanent mark on me, physically and mentally. But my past is going to stay in my past. You may have helped shaped my future, because you helped make me who I am today, but you aren’t a part of my future.
I needed you then, but I don’t need you now. I am stronger now than I was then. This is my life and I am not going to let you control me ever again.
I am stronger than a stupid little piece of metal.
