I never thought I'd find myself in a situation where I'd be competing against men in a one-on-one or two-on-two game in a small court. I spent a large portion of my 19 years alive playing girl's volleyball where obviously there were only girls on my teams and those I played against. Now, two years after I decided volleyball wasn't the sport for me, I am playing handball, a sport that is a lot more popular for men than it is for women.

I started playing handball second semester of my freshman year when my then-boyfriend convinced me to try it out. I had met the team before at a social event he had taken me to, but I was nervous because I was trying a completely new sport with primarily a bunch of guys. I remember going to my first practice and seeing the president of the club who was also female and thinking "oh wow! I thought I was going to be the only girl here. I'm sure glad I'm not." Having her there to teach me how to play the game made me feel at least a little more comfortable than I would have been had there only been the male players present. I was still very intimidated by the fact I was surrounded by men I would eventually have to play against at practice. Because of how nervous the prospect of being killed in a game against the guys made me feel, I went to only three or four practices the entire semester.

Sophomore year rolled around and I realized I needed to keep active, so I decided I would start actually going to handball practices no matter how uncomfortable it made me feel. The president had graduated, meaning I didn't know if I was going to have other women there at practices with me constantly. After the introduction we had for newcomers, we accumulated a total of only one more girl on the team. I was happy to have another girl who had just started as well, so I tried to make her feel as comfortable as possible. She has since stayed and is my doubles partner. She also became my security blanket during practices and tournaments, so I avoided playing singles against the guys. The attitude i had was that I had my partner and I'd only have to play in women's divisions at tournaments. I was feeling pretty good about my situation.

Fast forward to last week. I was preparing to go to a tournament in Cincinnati. My doubles partner wasn't coming, but I was ready for the tournament and stoked to see the rest of my teammates. I received a message telling me that there wasn't going to be a women's division, and suddenly I wasn't so excited. I started dreading the tournament. I knew I wasn't that great and the thought of having a bunch of men chuckling about how I wasn't as good, or could be as good, as the guys who were there playing because I am a woman made me sick. It seemed inevitable. I spent a week thinking I was going to be subtlety discriminated against because I was a woman, but I couldn't have been more wrong.

I got to the tournament and I found that the men running it were very welcoming. Some of the fear that had accumulated lifted off my shoulders, but I still was not content with being there. While sitting by myself as the guys played their games or reffed matches, I started talking to the men, who were both players and coaches, about myself and the game in general. All of them were very willing to give me advice about playing and how to relax. I was taken aback by how understanding and supportive they were. I was still nervous for my match, but their collective kind demeanor started making me feel alright with being mediocre while playing against men.

Coincidentally, I actually only ended up playing the only women in the tournament during my games, but I was still nervous about having a bunch of men watch. I lost my singles match miserably, but I wasn't too put out by it. After that match, a few of the men I had talked to prior to it came to me and were pointing out how my form was wrong, however, their criticisms were in no way rude. They were giving me advice on how to fix it, rather than just putting me down. During my other match, several of the men I had talked to earlier had come to watch again. Again, they critiqued my performance afterward, told me I had great potential, and encouraged me to keep playing. The tournament ended with me exchanging contact information with a coach so that he could send me details about upcoming tournaments and developmental programs to help me improve my performance.

I have since been in awe of my experience at this tournament. It has made me want to play handball more than I had before and become confident in my performance when playing against men. The decision on my part to socialize with the players and coaches outside of the court made me realize two things: there are a lot more men around me who want to see me succeed than those who want to watch me fail and being successful in an environment dominated by a gender different from mine can be achieved through interest and realizing I have the potential to do anything that dominating gender can as well.