Okay, so I know this is my second study abroad article in a week, but hey, that's the life I'm living right now. However, I want to dive into something a little deeper, and something that I have now experienced first hand: Anxiety. Anxiety is a scary thing. And anxiety while abroad is downright terrifying. Being away from home is exciting and stimulating, but there were definitely moments where I felt like my world was crashing down around me, and I just wanted to call my dad to come and pick me up. Yes everyone misses home whilst abroad, but having an anxiety attack while here was almost unbearable.
It was about a month ago when it first really hit me. And that's the weird thing, it just hits. It comes in like a giant wave that you think you can withstand, but it takes you down and tumbles you around as you struggle to find the surface. At times, it can feel like you never will. I was always an anxious kid, plagued with night terrors and sleepwalking, but it had subsided for most of my teenage years until recently. But this was different.
I don't know if it was the combination of homesickness and loneliness, but all of a sudden it felt like I was beginning to go crazy. I would fixate on a certain thought about the future and spiral out of control with worry even though it was out of my hands. I couldn't turn it off, I couldn't do anything. I just felt like there was this weight on my chest that couldn't be removed. It was disabling really. I couldn't find anything to be happy about and every emotion that I displayed felt incredibly forced. It was maddening. Well, I guess that's one emotion for you.
I was so frustrated with myself. How could I let this happen? I'm supposed to be living it up over here, but all I wanted to do was isolate myself. I had to force myself to do things. It made me question absolutely everything. I felt like I wasn't welcome anywhere, and that I didn't have a place. Even thinking about going home and seeing people I love gave me anxiety.
Eventually, I feel like I've come out of it for the most part, but I still have my moments. I find that it helps to not dwell on it, and kind of let it just fade away. It also helps to recognize irrational thoughts and realize that they simply are inconceivable. It felt like a sustained anxiety attack. It was always there and flared up at times. Exactly like a persistent unease that sometimes got worse but never fully went away.
The hardest part was being in a country 3,000 miles away, being out of my comfort zone, and not being able to make sense of the crazy thoughts that plagued my brain. Even though I know everything is fine and will be fine when I get home, the worry about it not being the same continues to rattle inside my head.
Now that my journey is coming to a close and I have three days left here, I'm starting to feel better, but there is still that nagging little thought in my head. Experiencing anxiety while abroad was terrifying. It felt like I had changed and that I was never going to be the same. And it was hard not being able to interact with people back home to know that it was going to be okay. Luckily now, I've come back to myself for the most part and I'm ready to try to move on. The next step will be stepping on American soil and seeing what happens next.
