I May Not Seem Like Myself, But That's Because It's Hard To Keep Smiling Through The Pain

Things have happened to me that made me question why this is my life. I have been through things that have changed my outlook on everything. A person is not always as strong as they make themselves look. And while I know situations can lead me to not acting like myself, I know that it will all be okay.

I have been in situations that have mentally and physically drained me to where I do not want to fight anymore. I have encountered people who changed me for the worst and some for the better. I have also realized that some situations are better to be left alone.

Not everyone is who you think they are or even who you want them to be at the end of the day. But one thing I have noticed is that even though I cannot change a person, I can change myself.

That may be doing things differently than what I have done in the past. Going on crazy adventures that are planned in a days notice. Getting tattoos because it helps me relieve my stress. Dancing and singing in my room because no one can see me. Going out with friends when I would rather stay in. And overall, stepping outside of my comfort zone.

But another thing I have realized is that I can only put on a strong front for so long until I break. No one is perfect even when they try so hard to make it seem like they are. Everyone has their breaking points.

One smile can hide so many demons. A laugh can cover up the fact that you are dying inside. Posting pictures on social media can hide that you are sitting in your room because you do not have the energy to deal with the world today. Making plans but then having anxiety about if they will actually go through. Being with people sounds good because it helps you feel like you are not alone when you think you are.

There are days where I have to force myself to get out of bed because I know if I had the choice, I would lay there all day. I get ready in the morning because it helps me feel that I am put together. I keep myself busy so I can avoid overthinking situations. Being scared to ask for help because I do not know how a person will respond.

I bottle up my emotions because I would rather deal with them myself, than put that burden on someone else. I like to deal with things one day at a time because the future scares me. I try to take on situations on my own until there is no way possible that I can anymore. I do not trust people easily because so many people have hurt me in the past.

I deal with whatever is thrown my way at my own pace and the best way I know how to... and while I know this can lead to me not being myself, one day everything will be okay.