I blamed myself. Over everything. Over anything. Over that one particular event. I blamed myself for what happened to you.

For the longest time, I blamed myself over what happened to my mom. Sure everyone might have told me not to, but my brain did not exactly listen. It was my fault that she was going through such a hard time, and it was my fault she was acting this way. No matter to how she was acting sad, mad, sleepy, or any other emotion, I blamed myself. This was not the woman who raised me and I must have changed her along the way. I was miserable. I'd cry myself to sleep at least every other night. I'd try to escape the blame somehow, but eventually it would catch up to me and it would always hit me hard. Feelings of depression, notice I said feelings of, would hit to the point where I had zero energy and it was difficult to even move. I would not let anyone in. After all they would just tell me the same thing, "Its not your fault." But who else was to blame? It had to be someone's fault and it sure felt like mine.

Yet, I've realized now it was not my fault. But when you're in the motions going through every day, it sure seems like it. It is almost like pulling yourself out of a 15-foot hole dug into the ground. Practically impossible, but doable. I have found things to help me a long the way, and try to do things that I enjoy doing.

Do I wish I never blamed myself? Yes. Yet, it was completely unavoidable. We all blame ourselves for things out of our control every day, because we do not want to feel a loss of control. Sometimes it's stupid things and sometimes it's major things, but you always have to find out for yourself that it was never your fault. It will run it's course and you will wake up one day to realize you are not the one to blame. It will take it's time though, it took me a year. Finally now, at the end of the day I finally know that I am not the one to blame and I stopped blaming myself.