I'll start this off by saying I have never dated someone who has been diagnosed with anxiety and panic attacks. I am the one who has anxiety and panic attacks, so this is my feelings towards how I have felt when I was a girlfriend. I have had one relationship in my 18 years of life, it ended recently but lasted for 2 years. But that isn't the point of this article, another story for another time.
In those 2 years, I have had so many emotions and feelings. For one, I never thought I would get into a relationship even before I was diagnosed with anxiety. I knew I had anxiety even though I wasn't officially diagnosed until months into our relationship. But I had so many feelings of doubt, always wondering if I should be doing something better or if they deserved me. I told him so many times before we met about how awkward I was in person so when I inevitably messed up he knew why.
Going out with my boyfriends and with friends made me feel like dying; anxiety controlled my life. Before I started going to therapy I would get psychically sick before I went out. I couldn't eat an hour before I went out because I would throw up, and even then I would dry heave no matter how hard I tried to calm myself down. Later on, it went much better and I wouldn't get as nervous before going out.
I felt like I was constantly ruining the hangouts. I knew that people would question why I wasn't eating or why I wasn't talking and other kinds of conversations like that. My anxiety made me clingy and needy, I wouldn't let go of my boyfriend in situations when I was having panic attacks. At bonfires, I would sit on his lap and cling to him and if a new person came into the party I wouldn't let him get up to say hi. At the mall, I would constantly need my hand held or some kind of contact.
I always felt selfish, and I know you're allowed to be that way with your significant other but there was something that always seemed wrong to me, no matter how many times he told me it was OK.
I won't get too much into my relationship but to my ex-boyfriend (who probably won't read this): Thank you for the way you treated my anxiety, I know it couldn't have been easy, but you never acted like it was a problem. You always took care of me and made me feel safe and better and you were my safety blanket. I'm not the same girl that I was when we started dated. I'm not even the same person that I was when I left Connecticut. I wish you had a chance to get to know the knew me who's better at taking care of myself.
And to my future boyfriend: please be patient with me. I know it won't be easy, I'm stubborn and hard to deal with. I put walls up and I have trouble hanging out with new people in large groups. I'll try and keep things from you when I'm upset because I don't want to bother you. Sometimes I'll wanna be left alone, sometimes I won't want to talk but I'll want your presence, and sometimes I'll cling to you. But I will get better, I will get more comfortable. It just takes time.
And to anyone dating someone with anxiety, I'm not the same as everyone else, ask your partner for suggestions to make them feel better, see what they want, but don't pressure them to tell you, not everyone feels comfortable talking about it. I wasn't at first but I've learned I need to speak up in case someone feels the same way I do and is scared.
