held by the cruel power of a number --

A number I put everything I am and was into!

Every inhalation, every measure, every contemplation

was for those costly digits.

Numbers, how greedy they can become.

If you could have seen my bones, my scars, or perhaps the blue of my fingers,

maybe then you would have some understanding.

Then again, some saw me morph before their eyes

into an unrecognizable figure of only skin and bone.

Still, they shouted and yelled,

calling out for me to stop.

They persuaded me of my worth, my beauty,

but all they received in return was determination.

It should have woken me up from my trance,

but it only drove me closer to the tomb.

Like a tree, it sprouted from me, stretching out far and wide.

The branches searched for control

grasping tightly to the numbers, to the figures, to the world before it.

Roots grew deep within me,

but where they went, I did not know.

I had not chosen this for myself.

This disorder was but a shadow set before my eyes,

While the pain hid beneath only grew in size.

It was the pain that squeezed my lungs.

It was the pain that clenched my chest.

It was the pain that never stopped, not at sundown, not at day break.

It called to me, it called with its every haunting breath.

So, yes! I fell!

I stumbled and broke until the pain finally began to fade!

I wish you could see the girl I was before it all.

A child filled with rays of sunshine.

An honest girl of beauty and grace,

who was yet to meet the world’s expectations.

Yet, I wish you knew me at my worst

When my hair fell from my head,

my nails no longer shined,

my face turned grey, and my heart ran slow!

I have danced with death.

***

What meaning is there if no good comes from this?

There must be a reason.