My father was my first unrequited love. Though I’ve experienced many a heartbreak since then (and probably will experience quite a few more), there is no pain quite as unique as the realization that you aren’t deserving of the love that comes most naturally -- the love of something you created. Factor in that these (very mature) emotions are being processed by a four-year-old and you’ve created an impression that will either last a lifetime, or will take a lifetime to undo.
Unfortunately, there are many children like me, who have been emotionally, spiritually, mentally and/or physically abandoned, neglected or abused by their fathers. Also unfortunately, we seems to be the butt of many jokes.
The absence of a father figure -- popularly referred to as either “fatherlessness” or “daddy issues” -- is used to shame people who participate in behaviors that one might find disagreeable (they are especially used to demean and critique romantically inept women and effeminate men). Take into account the rapidly growing Internet culture of “anything-for-a-laugh,” trolling, and general thumb thugging (read: keyboard warrior) and you’ve got a full-out meme in its own right.
While some people think “fatherless” jokes and insults are funny, here’s why they are no laughing matter:
Victim-blaming.
Perhaps it is the volume of children who grow up without a stable male figure who manage to become functioning adults that allows people to ignore the fact that an absent or negligent parent is traumatic, but allow me to reassure you, it is. Making fun of abuse or neglect (which, let’s face it, is a type of abuse) is cruel. Especially because these people have likely spent many years blaming themselves already.
My toddler self was able to reason, process and understand the fact that my father’s absence was due to his inadequacies. I understood that there was something wrong with him. I also came to understand that there must be something wrong with me, too.
It is common for abandoned children to believe that they drove their parent away, creating a host of self-esteem issues among other related problems.
Of course, as an adult, I realize that there was never anything wrong with me, but I still have to actively battle those self-depreciating thoughts.
Others are still fighting their battles too, and it becomes a struggle to heal and grow when you feel like the world is laughing at your problems.
People do bad all by themselves.
Not everyone's so-called flaws are due to a lack of love in their developing years. Don’t pass someone’s perceived ineptitude off on their childhood tragedies.
People can be held accountable for their actions without factoring in every life-turning event. Imagine if we used other unfavorable circumstances as an insult -- “Ugh, all these girls running around in barely-there clothing. Damn the cycle of poverty!”
People are uniquely structured individuals, no one is going to find everything another person does agreeable. That does not permit you to poke fun at their pain. Triggering someone with their abuse is an inexcusable form of debate, and even worse as a pun.
It upholds the Patriarchy.
The patriarchy is a funny thing. It says that men hold the most power, yet, because of it, we are not able to ever hold men accountable. Nothing is ever really their fault. If they cheat, it’s because their wife couldn’t get them to stay. Apparently, if they’re a poor father, the child is to blame.
This is evidenced by poking fun at the children of absentee fathers. Because we’re blaming the victim, we are not assigning fault to the culprit. A man old enough to create a child is old enough to assume the responsibility of raising one. If he leaves, or is not a positive influence in the life of his offspring, then that is his fault and his fault alone.
Yet, deadbeat dad jokes are virtually non-existent. This creates the idea that men abandoning their children is permissible and acceptable, feeding right back into the cycle abandonment, neglect, abuse or general lack of engagement.
If people truly cared about the lack of good fathers in the lives of children, we’d be better off starting at the source (men) rather than harassing their victims.
