I miss you so much sometimes it feels like my chest could collapse. It’s been a few weeks since you left us. I don’t think there’s a day that’s gone by when I haven’t thought to text you just to say hi, or call you to tell you about something that happened. It’s hard, dad. It’s really hard. I never imagined I’d be without you. You had always promised you’d be around for a long, long time. I know this was not in your plans.
I run into people who knew you and have heard about what happened and they say how sorry they are and how much you loved me. Man, everyone keeps telling me how much you loved me and talked about me. I know that’s true, I can still feel it. It’s funny how many people you’d brag about me to, most I don’t know but they sure know me. It’s nice to hear people’s stories about how you’d pick on them and all your phrases you’d say like, “I’m in good shape for the shape I’m in.” Everyone also is realizing how much I’m like you, myself included. I have SO much of your personality it’s almost scary. You were tougher than I will ever be though, that’s for sure. No one will touch your toughness or bravery. Wouldn’t want anyone to try either.
There are still so many things I wish I had said before and so many things I wish I had asked. I wish we took more pictures together. I think we just thought we had forever. If there’s one thing I wish, I wish I could have another hug, another sarcastic comment, another chance to hear you say you love me. I replay the voicemails you’ve left on my phone to feel like you’re still here. If I close my eyes, I can even picture your facial expressions as you’d say things.
I think what’s been the hardest for me is picturing all the things in my life you won’t be here for. My college graduation, my first job, my wedding, my first child. All these monumental moments in my life still haven’t happened. It doesn’t make me angry at all, just sad. I feel this huge emptiness in my heart that no one can ever fill or fix. Not time, not a person, nothing. It’ll always be there because you aren’t here anymore. I know you’d yell at me if you could to not be sad, to live my life because that’s always what you wanted. You always wanted me to be happy and you’d do anything for me. For that, I will be eternally grateful. But you’re not here and I’d give anything to have you still here.
There’s no question in my mind that you’re watching over me. I know you are because that’s something you have always loved to do - see what I’m doing at all times. It’s an unimaginable pain to get accustomed to and one that no one wants to feel. My only comfort is that I know you loved me with everything you had and I know that you fought the hardest battles. I’m so proud of you dad. I hope I’ll do the same.
I love you more than anything in the world,
Your little girl