As anyone who has gone through a midterm (or finals, or pretty much any) week with me knows, I really, really love bad jokes. As soon as I hear a new one, I have to send it to all my friends. Most of them have even started sending them to me as soon as they hear a new one, just because they know I'll love them. So, now, I'm deciding to share my joke bounty with the world! (Just bear with me here.)

1) Who calls the balls and strikes at the annual Vatican softball game?

The Holy Roman Umpire.

2) Why did the grammar teacher die?

He got over hyphenated and slipped into a comma.

3) Why did the man broom tell the woman broom that they couldn't have a little whisk?

Because they hadn't swept together yet.

4) What did the cannibal get after arriving late to the luncheon?

The cold shoulder.

5) Why does Ireland have such a population problem?

Because it's always Dublin!

6) What do you call the Samsung security guards?

The Guardians.... of the Galaxy.

7) Have you heard about that new movie, Constipation?


Oh, that's probably because it hasn't come out yet!

8) Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team?

Because she kept running away from the ball.

9) What do you call a belt made out of watches?

A waist of time!

10) I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor said to me?

"Stay out of those places."

11) Did you hear about the sidewalk?


It's all over town!

12) What do you call a broken can opener?

A can't opener.

13) Why are there fences around the graveyard?

Because people are dying to get in!

14) How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He sipped his coffee before it was cool.

15) A magician walked down the street.

Then he turned into a grocery store.

16) What do you call a computer that sings?

A Dell.

17) What do you call a fortune teller who dresses well?

A suit-sayer.

18) Have I told you about my CSI joke?

It's a real killer.

And, finally, my two favorites:

19) What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One is a crusty bus station, while the other is a busty crustacean!

14) What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

A tire.

And there you have it! Thanks for not groaning too loudly while reading all these. And yes, I do regularly trade jokes with my dad. He finds (most of) them very funny.