Shock. Awe. Disgust. Anguish. Fear.
These are words I can only use to describe my reaction to "Gossip Girl's" cancellation. And the sight of a Green Twinkie. But more importantly, the taste of a Green Twinkie.
In order to fully recreate my experience with such spongecakes of terror, I must go back to the very beginning...
It was 6:45 p.m. in my neighborhood grocery store. It may or may not have been a Wal-Mart. I am not proud of this. I am thankful to have made it out alive in the first place.
As my friend and I walked down the aisles, like a mortified bride's procession down a corridor of disease and used hypodermic-needles, we came across the monstrosity that we soon discover is the greatest abomination in the history of humanity. Right next to porcelain dolls. That shit's scary.
Nay, what lay before us was far worse than a 1980s Ashton Drake one-of-a-kind porcelain doll. What we found ourselves gazing upon was none other than a limited edition "Ghostbusters"-themed "Key Lime Slime" flavored Twinkie.
Like a car crash or a Kardashian wedding, you know damn well that what your eyes are perceiving is the textbook definition of horror - yet your eyes refuse to turn away.
Twinkies: You have some nerve. The gall. One may even go as far as to say the cojones to go after a "Ghostbusters" themed snack. I know for a fact that Bill Murray is rolling over in his grave at just the thought of such a disgrace of a treat.
What?
Bill Murray's still alive, you say?
Just wait till he gets a bite of this shitcake of a spongecake. He'll be knocked dead faster than you can say "Who you gonna call?" And at that point, the answer should be "an ambulance." You should call an ambulance. Bill Murray just died in front of you.
Ghostbusters is a franchise that should never have gone past the second movie, but the quality of this series is not my quarrel, nor is the reboot. Where my squabble lies is with the vomit-inducing product known as "Key Lime Slime Twinkies."
Imagine a board of executives sitting around a table discussing their next product.
"Why not a chocolate chip cookie in the shape of a dinosaur," one asks. This man is silenced.
"How about a dog treat that humans can eat without being cast out by society," another inquires. This woman is shunned.
"How about a snack that doesn't destroy the health and self-esteem of its consumers?" This man's body was found faced-down in the bottom of a ditch.
Suddenly, Melissa McCarthy of the new hit movie, Ghostbusters (2016) bursts through the doors of the exec meeting room, demands a Ghostbusters twinkie, and here we are today.
So I'll just wrap it up - Green twinkies are shit — don't try them.
Until next time!
