As I write this, I have just finished counting all of the dollar bills that I found crumpled in the bottom of my purse. My tiny little handbag I received as a gift almost three Christmases ago has fraying on all of the edges, it's long out of style, and the bag is beginning to resemble a quirky thrift store find at this point more so than an up to season accessory. It's no Michael Kors or Kate Spade, but it's gotten the job done. If you look through most of my social media you'll find it literally attached to my hip in most of my albums.

I dug through all of its pockets, then a second time, and then a third, desperate to find just another one or five folded amidst the pennies, uncapped lipstick and weeks old Walmart receipts for face wash, toilet paper and the ingredients for spaghetti. I thought maybe I could have left some cash in my jacket pocket; there was no way I spent most of this week's paycheck on groceries already.

But I did. And I didn't find another five, but I got lucky and found two disappointing ones in my jacket. I felt the anxiety wash over me. I hadn't felt it in a long while since my finals were in the path far behind me. I salvaged all of the receipts from the past week as the obsessive and compulsive nature of my anxiety was repeatedly telling me to find my budgeting error. Hulu was paused because my head couldn't take the competitive nature of Nev and Max's voices from the Catfish episode I was watching competing with the conversations taking place in my head.

A few hours before, I decided to attempt some Christmas shopping after my shift at TJ Maxx. The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of uncertain finals, grades hanging by a microscopic thread, emotional nonsense, and surprisingly walking across a stage with tears of absolute pride in myself at the end of it all. Needless to say, I had yet to start Christmas shopping before today. I walked around the store and saw so many different ideas for the people who make me happy in life. I had forty dollars in my pocket. That forty dollars has to last until payday for gas, groceries, all the fun things. I thought to myself that I hopefully had a few extra dollars lying around somewhere at home.

I'll only get paid one more time before Christmas day. Rent is due directly after Christmas. Suddenly, my options for gifts were getting smaller and smaller. Every idea I picked up I quickly sat down on the shelf as my monthly rent was moved from the back to the front of my mind. I called my mom to distract myself and we laughed as I half-joked about selling half my closet to have money to buy gas after Christmas shopping. I internally scolded myself for not saving up money for this, but then almost instantly laughed that thought off as ridiculous knowing you can't save money you don't have. I thought about the look on my family members' faces when they get a gift that makes them happy. I thought about how I won't be able to experience witnessing much of that this year because my funds were so limited. I thought about how stupid I was for signing up for 'Secret Santa' at work because I'll barely have anything to give my designated coworker. I wondered if they'd be disappointed.

I try very hard to not let the consumerism filled society we live in ruin my holiday spirit, but it honestly made me quite sad. I love giving. I love Christmastime. The magic of it all lasts the entire month, slowly building for weeks until the big day. Everything feels simpler. Weather is cold, air is still, and if you're lucky the snow will fall for you in a picturesque way. Everyone starts to appreciate the little things the way I try to do the entire year. Lights make even the most shadowy of neighborhoods glow. While Christmas is a Christian holiday, everyone just seems to embrace kindness and family during this time, religious or not. (Besides a few last minute shoppers I deal with as a cashier but that's a different story for another day.) Christmas is one of my favorite holidays because I was essentially created to get happiness from making others happy.

Walking around the store today, I started to feel the sadness rising and I had to make a choice. I had to make a conscious choice that I would not let consumerism and lack of money detract from the goodness of the time of year. I told my mom it was a battle this year, and that I had to choose to not let what I'm lacking distract me from what I have. There are so many more beautiful things about December than purchasing things we may not even really need. It is a good thing to practice to be content in all things year round, even on Christmas when you have a 40 dollar gifting allowance. I think of my supervisors at work, and how they have children to buy for. I hope they know they're still loved and appreciated even if they can't purchase everything on the lists of wants. Then I remember I have to apply that same thought process to myself. My brother will still love me if I can't afford the latest record he wants for his collection. My mom will still love me if I can't get her new shoes and new pretty things. My dad will still love me regardless. I'm thankful for that.

This year, if you maybe don't have much to give, know you're not alone, you're still appreciated, and you're still loved. Embrace all the mess life brings and find some beauty along the way, even during the holiday season. If maybe you're used to receiving a lot, embrace what's important as well because you don't know the struggles everyone in your family may be facing in the process of the holidays.

My mom always asks us on Christmas if we can remember what we were given the previous year. Try it. You rarely remember all of what you were Christmas before, but I bet you can remember laughing with your family, the glimmer of the lights and the company you shared.