The modern times seem to be fixated on death. Death comes in all forms, from the media reporting on a homicide, to violence related to death in video games and television shows. There are dedicated blogs to topics such as suicide and the more sadistic side of death, suicide, and violence. To counteract the craving for death, several artists, musicians, and activists have been involved or started movements to stop an epidemic of death, especially death by suicide. The CDC reported that in 2013, suicide was the tenth highest cause of death in America. Not only is this disturbing, but to further this there was an average statistic of one suicide every 13 minutes. For more information, please read Suicide At A Glance. Suicide is clearly prevalent in today’s society, however, some take it to an extreme level. Often glorifying those who are against suicide to the level of worship. However, there is no need or justification from this. Countless times you may have heard “Blank saved my life.” Did they really save you? Or did you really save yourself?
Speaking directly to the suicidal here, no one reasonably saved you but yourself. No one made you put down the weapon, or the handful of pills, or untied your rope. The problem with being suicidal besides the obvious will to want to die is the lack of self-confidence. It is easy to claim someone else saved you, that someone else talked you down. It is hard to admit that you did it yourself, that you came to terms with your own self-being and decided it would be better to live. I understand the meaning of drawing inspiration from sources to combat these thoughts of believing that it would be better to stop breathing, but I do not believe anyone kept the air in your lungs but yourself. If you have ever thought about suicide, you ultimately decided it against it clearly as you are reading this article. That is an amazing thing, but in the end reading this article does not make you come down, listening to that one song that makes you feel like things will get better, or reading that sonnet about life will not save you. That is the problem with today, we live in a victim culture where it is easier to push the pressure on someone else rather than burdening ourselves with it. I understand the burden of wanting to end your life all too well, but I am the direct cause of being here, the direct cause of writing this article.
As a bit of insight, I contemplated suicide in August of 2015. I recently graduated high school, and the stresses of managing two jobs, going to school full time and college began to get to me. Couple that with a less than stellar home life, and crumbling friendships and relationship, I believe ending my life would be a better option. I could listen to any song I want, my personal favorite being Suicide; Stigma by The Color Morale. However when push came to shove, the only person who decided that swallowing that bottle of pills wanted to live was me, when I called 911 and the Suicide Prevention Lifeline (800) 273-8255. Through hospitalization, liquid charcoal (which by all means is absolutely horrid) and therapy, I am here today to tell you that you are powerful.
Some say suicide is selfish, that you would turn your back on your friends and loved ones because you want to end your life. The other side of the argument believes that driving someone to feel so isolated and to believe the only way to solve their problems is to end their life. Coming from someone who has tried firsthand, I am here to tell you both are correct. The stresses in my life caused me to jump the gun, but I sat there and just began to think. I thought of my little brother and sister, not seeing their graduations from middle and high schools. I thought of my mother and father, having to come home to find their child not breathing and unresponsive in his room. I thought of all my friends showing up to my funeral, completely devastated by the fact I was gone and had not reached out to anyone. In those moments, no one saved me. The only way I decided I wanted to live was having the police officer call for an ambulance and rushing me to the hospital. The hospital I went to was full of mixed emotions, nurses quoting the famous and their machinations against suicide. I remember the EMT who put me on the gurney rambled about his own suicidal thoughts, talking about his troubled childhood and berating me, telling me “some people have it worse than you.” The lab technician who drew my blood for testing apologized to me as if she was the reason I had decided to take my own life. Ultimately, I blame myself for wanting to end my own life, and I am the reason I saved it.
Listening to a song will not save you, reading inspiring words will not make you stop what you are doing. The only person in that moment that can save you is yourself. In the end, you have decided that you will do what you think is best, to keep living. If you have lost anyone to suicide, I am truly sorry for your loss and am saddened. I urge you not to follow down their path, to keep going. I am not going to save your life, but I can advise that there are ways to fix those feelings of brokenness and abandonment you may face. Here, as I type this article, I implore you to seek help. Tell someone you care about, go to therapy, do not go down that path. Seek help and save yourself. The only way YOU will get better is to save yourself. The band that I mentioned previously, being the Color Morale; has another song called Saviorself. In the lyrics to said song, the lead singer Garret Rapp belts out “I just need to be saved, just not by you,” in the sense he is having the conversation with another. Be your own savior, and save yourself. Admit you are strong, admit you decided you wanted to live. Do not let anyone steal your thunder, and take the glory that you saved yourself, that you are proud that you continued onward. In conclusion, thank you for continuing to fight, and I hope that if you ever come down that path or repeat down that path, that you decide that you are strong, that you are brave; and can keep on living.
Suicide Prevention Lifeline: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Suicide; Stigma by the Color Morale:
