For a very long time, I had always believed that I had low self-esteem because of how unforgiving I was to myself when I wasn’t perfect. However, throughout my life, I was always certain that I would be successful in achieving my goals. Even if I never admitted to anyone, I knew I was competent enough to be successful.
Take my application to Penn, for instance. Even if my test scores were not the highest and my grades weren’t absolutely perfect, I was pretty confident that I would get in. Of course, given the nature of Ivy League admissions, I never told anyone how I felt, because I did not want people to think I was an arrogant asshole, and I was aware that I could be wrong. It’s almost cute in retrospect, as statistically I was much more likely to be rejected. Somewhere in my head, though, I knew I was qualified.
I am confident. I do not doubt my decisions; I have immense trust in my judgment and intuition. I know I am a smart, talented, and kind person. But it’s when I’m anything less than perfect when the negative thoughts start creeping inside my head.
Again, one can look at my application to Penn. When I did see my SAT scores, lower than Penn’s standards, I beat myself up for not studying harder. Rationally I knew these scores were very difficult to receive, but it was not an excuse for me; I was better than that. These negative thoughts circled around my brain and never ceased to stop until I would find something else to beat myself up for.
Many have praised me for my high expectations, but with high expectations should come lots of self-love. I am in the process of working on self-love and self-care, but it’s much easier to believe I’m fabulous than to forgive myself when things don’t go exactly as planned. Being in a high-stress environment such as Penn, where everyone is striving for perfection, will make this task not only more difficult, but more necessary.
In conclusion, we should stop using confidence and self-love interchangeably, because they are quite different things. And of course, we must always remember that we rock, and know to take very good care of ourselves when things don’t go exactly as planned.
