Sometimes when I tell people I'm an introvert I get, "What? No way," or "Seriously?" Yes, seriously because I'm an introvert wannabe extrovert. I force myself to introduce myself to new people. I force myself to create small talk in the hopes that I can someday have a heart to heart with that individual. I force myself out of my comfort zone on the daily because I crave real, raw relationships with beautiful souls.
I don't prefer large social gatherings, but I go because I want to see people and I appreciate invitations. Being an introvert doesn't mean I like avoiding people. It's actually quite the opposite. I crave connections and relationships. We weren't created to be alone (Genesis 2:18). Being an introvert means I prefer close knit communities and intimate conversations that can't be replicated. I don't mind the party scene but I'd much rather be having a one-on-one conversation until 3 a.m.
Small talk is exhausting. Sometimes my stomach churns because the only conversation some can hold is centered on gossip. I fear introducing myself to strangers. It's not that I'm anti-social, there's just times where I prefer words on the pages of a book than awkward spoken words.
I'm labeled as "quiet." I'm a hell of a listener. I observe things most people over look. All because I am intuitive to silence. I notice sounds that many tune out. I get headaches from painful conversations of "nothing" and get exhausting trying to keep up with the latest.
I don't need to be accompanied to go to the bathroom. I can show up to gatherings on my lonesome. I'm quite independent. But I'll never turn down an offer for company and I'll try to extend the invitation as best I can.
I don't mean to be standoffish, but sometimes I come off that way. That's why I'm a wannabe extrovert. I want to be relatable. I want to meet new people without the anxiety and struggle of "breaking out of my shell" attached.
I want to meet new people. I want to have the gift of wearing my heart on my sleeve. I want to be able to feel comfortable with anyone I encounter. I want to be vulnerable. But the truth is I'm not. I'm a wannabe extrovert who cares way too much about what others think and my surroundings.
I dread spotlights. Whether it's praise from last night's game or calling me out on the fact that my shorts are on backwards, I hate being the center of attention. But I'm beyond blessed to have the God-given abilities to be an athlete on a successful team. Spotlights are a daily occurrence. I wish I felt comfortable enough to handle that pedestal appropriately.
I don't speak for all introverts. I don't know what it's like to be an extrovert. I just want to find the balance of wanting to be alone and not wanting to be lonely.
Sincerely,
an INFJ
