How To: Be a Gym Newbie

1. Check in.

2. Think the person at the desk is judging you.

3. Get on a treadmill and start walking.

4. Start running because the person next to you is running.

5. Get winded and decide to go do sit ups.

6. Think that everyone is judging you.

7. Look at your phone and pretend to be stretching.

8. Wonder if people will judge you for doing nothing.

9. Wonder how long you have to stay.

10. Grab your stuff and go get water.

11. Sneak out.

How To: Be a Gym Pro

1. Go through your normal workout without really noticing other humans around you.

2. Fail to notice confused looks from newbies curious if they should copy you.

How To: Do Your First Workout

1. Sign up for a class.

2. Sign up for a training session.

3. Complete said class/training session.

4. Dread walking or sitting for three days.

How To: Do a Spin Class

1. Think it’s going to be easy.

2. Die after the first 20 min.

3. Be unable to sit for three days.

How To: Eat Well Before Your Workouts

1. Estimate the amount of calories you're going to burn walking a whole mile and doing up to 15 push-ups.

2. Eat about twice that, because you don't want to be undernourished and pass out or something...

3. Fall asleep from a food coma.

4. Wake up and decide you should eat a little bit more before you go to the gym.

How To: Figure Out a New Machine

1. Slyly watch how someone else uses it.

2. Sit on it backward or be unable to figure out how to turn it on or off.

3. Notice someone is behind you in line for it.

4. Offer them the machine because you know that you were done doing your reps on it anyway and - warn them it isn't working right because you couldn't figure it out.

5. Try to look cool and sporty as you walk away.

6. Watch them use it without any trouble.

7. Whisper "stupid machine" as you trip over something.

How To: Eat Well After a Workout

1. Run a mile.

2. Order two desserts because you earned it - dammit!