College. The place where you get to be independent. Freedom. Empowerment to make your own decisions. A place to start with a blank canvas. Going away to college severs the control your parents have on a majority of your decisions. Growing up, it was expected to ask to go do something, say what I was going to do, what time, with who, who was driving, and when I would be home. That time I gave meant to be inside the door at that time. My first weekend away at college my cross country team went bowling. I went bowling, with a girl I just met driving. I stayed out late. It didn’t matter what time I was back in my door. That night, I laid down in bed and sighed with relief. So that is what a little freedom tastes like. I was opening the door to the unknown, and was excited to “find myself,” the ritual many people attributed to their college experience.

With great freedom comes great responsibility. It wasn’t my first semester in college that I learned that lesson. My second semester was rockier. A break up. Health issues. Looking for affection in the wrong place. I felt some feeling of conviction of my actions, and therefore shrunk away from my friends. I isolated myself and was self-absorbed in trying to keep my sanity. I wasn’t being the best friend. My friendships suffered. At the end of the semester, with rekindled friendships, a broken heart and a less than satisfactory GPA, I moved back home. Following a similar cycle, I changed majors and transferred schools. A bigger campus, more opportunities. I was given yet another clean slate. On the quest to find myself, I spiraled out into even more chaos. Small compromise, after small compromise, I was blindly following a path. I was so busy looking down at my feet with stumble, after stumble, that I wasn’t even paying attention to where I was headed.

Towards the end of the semester, I was ridden with depression, anxiety, a hospital stay, and a list of regrets. I didn’t even recognize myself. I had gotten into situations I wouldn’t have even strayed near. I was doing things I promised myself I never would. I was someone who I didn’t want to be. What the hell happened?

I realized the search to find myself was endless. There would be no “aha” moment. You don’t go through experience, after experience and stumble upon who you are. I tried this. I didn’t find what I had become. I created it. Each decision, each compromise, is a different building block. I had created a foundation to build my future on. Each flaw, crack and weakness was a reflection on each action I made. I became consumed by the fear of- what if I never can find my old self? Has this new person robbed me of my old personality and ways. But similarly how I had created something I wasn’t proud of, I could create a better me. My goal wasn't to create who I was, but someone even better. I decided to make active decisions to change the parts of my life I was ashamed of.

Going into college, a student is pulled into so many directions. School, clubs, studying, social lives, friends and the list goes on. We cannot act like a pin ball and bounce off of a little of everything. Those small decisions add up. Eventually these actions can change your mindset. Your filter. It becomes a reflection of who you are.

Be proud of your college experience. Own your actions without regret. Create someone who you are proud of. At the end of the day, you are the keeper of your happiness. If you look in the mirror and are not happy, do something about it. Your life doesn’t change overnight. Small actions, gestures, and attitudes seem like small things. However when we look back, it was the small things that were big.