It is that time of year again where people decorate their houses and get out their crazy Christmas sweaters. If I could do that I definitely would. Going out is a joyous time of year. I just got myself a lovely Christmas sweater to celebrate the joyous time with everybody else in the world, but my mind isn't fully in the Christmas spirit still.

Yes, I hear Christmas songs and see the decorations, but I don't feel it. My mind is in different places like normal, but it seems purposely off somewhere else with celebrations coming up. It must be a reaction to myself or the worry that the celebration won't be what I imagine it would be, which usually it isn't. But that doesn't mean I should get down about it, even though at times I really can't help it. I feel I have tried to be less disappointed and accept the happiness that is meant to happen.

Truthfully, one of my problems around Christmas time is the sense of money aspect of it all. I would love to buy a gift for every person I really deeply appreciate, which by the way would take about two hands or more. In all honesty that isn't a bad amount of people, but the downside of that is I don't know what to get any of them that would show my love and appreciation. It is hard. I hope for one day to be financially stable enough to afford every caring person that I love to at least get something from me, but that time will be a while from now or just a good wait.

Also, I probably have been selfish by getting myself stuff, but it has kind of been keeping me sane and not fully flying off the handle, not really from anger, more other feelings I have. Even though it is not the best way to deal with problems, it is nice to get something once in awhile that I really enjoy and will most likely use. I know myself. I don't have to ask someone and hope they will get it for me.

I try to be that cheap gift person because I don't expect much. Mainly because I don't believe I truly need anything. I was raised to realize this and honestly appreciate it a lot even though sometimes I am not sure what to tell my family when they want the "Christmas List." I don't really know what I want. I usually put down clothes because I always can do with more clothes, but other than that I look for cheap stuff people can get. I feel it is easier and it is understandable when I can't get everything I dream because that isn't life. In ways life gives you what you need at that moment and that is usually what I want.

Anyways keep the Christmas spirit running through and through. I really do enjoy the holidays that I spend with my family. They bring up joy to me and even happiness.